Itachi Must Die!
by Ouha-chan
Summary: SasuSaku. A series of short stories involving swift, nonsensical demises for Uchiha Itachi under completely ridiculous and even retarded circumstances. The Holiday Specials conclude! Omake 24 Up!
1. Omake 01: Itachi's One Weakness

_**Itachi Must Die!...** A series of short stories involving swift, nonsensical demises for Uchiha Itachi under completely ridiculous and even retarded circumstances. Occasional Sasuke+Sakura._

_**Author's Note:** I know that I will probably be flamed for this story, and that these flames will probably come from those rabid Itachi fans out there -- but, you know what? I don't care! And that's the beauty of it. I actually intend to print the first flame I receive, put it in a frame, and hang it on my wall -- if I make Itachi fans angry at me because they can't stand a little humor, then that's too bad. _

_Just keep in mind when reviewing that flames will **not** bother me, and I **will** continue with the creation of these stories anyway. Why? Let's see... _

_Because I've been overly frustrated with the character Uchiha Itachi as of late, partially because he's the one who ruined my favorite character's life and he's the reason that my favorite character isn't in the manga at all right now(after all, Sasuke would never have left Konoha had it not been to gain power for his sole purpose of killing Itachi). Itachi's also the reason that Sasuke believes his entire life revolves around being an avenger. Hence, Itachi is the one obstacle that makes any and all signs of life for Sasuke impossible(including my favorite couple: Sasuke+Sakura) until the bastard is out of Sasuke's life permanently -- which basically boils down to the fact that Sasuke will always be miserable until Itachi kicks the proverbial bucket. _

And, lastly, the most important reason of all: because I was in the mood for a little comedy. Therefore, I have come to the following conclusion: **Itachi Must Die!**

---------- **Omake 01: Itachi's One Weakness** ----------

Sasuke, Naruto, Sakura, Kakashi, Neji, Rock Lee, Tenten, Gai, Shikamaru, Chouji, Ino, Asuma, Shino, Kiba, Hinata, and Kurenai were all gathered, facing off against the one and only Uchiha Itachi. Silence permeated the air, and it seemed that our team of heroes had already failed to succeed.

A crack of lightning in the distance seemed to spring Itachi into action as he prepared to attack the first of his victims. However, a sudden burst of inspiration brought Naruto back to his feet. He had caught Itachi's attention, causing him to turn his head in the flamboyant blond's direction. He chose to, instead of attack, wait and see what the boy had planned...

Unfortunately, this ended up being the greatest mistake of his entire life(well, other than the slaughter of the Uchiha Clan)...

Because, as Naruto raised his hands and performed the appropriate seals for his Jutsu, time seemed to slow down to fit the overdramatized circumstances. The others all watched in awe as in one great puff of smoke, Naruto's jutsu was activated...

"Sexy no Jutsu!" he yelled just before the poof, in which he was replaced with a naked woman covered only by clouds of smoke that floated around her essential areas. This woman was a female variation of the Naruto that she had replaced, and as soon as the pigtailed fox winked at our unbeatable villain, his nose could be seen visibly bleeding.

The nosebleed was followed immediately by hysteric yelling and screaming as Itachi ran around in frantic circles, waving and flailing his arms about like a crazed madman, "No! My one weakness -- I cannot stand the sight of sexy female bodies! Kisame, HELP!" he shouted into the night. "_KISAME_!"

An idea had been spawned. Seeing his opportunity, Sasuke began shaping seals with his hands, ending with the charging of his ultimate Jutsu -- the Chidori. In a flash, the chakra-embued attack was thrust easily through Itachi's chest.

Dead silence settled over what seemed like the entire Hi no Kuni next as Sasuke jerked his arm back out of his brother's chest, causing Itachi to fall backwards. However, before he could hit the ground, a sobbing Kisame caught him, cradling his defeated comrade in his arms.

"Nooo! Itachi-chan, nooo!" the shark-faced man cried in agony, "I couldn't make it in time, I have failed yoooouuuu!"

Glances of confusion were exchanged between those gathered around. It was then that a cough was heard coming from Itachi's once thought dead body. He smiled up at his companion, his eyes sad and crying now.

"Kisame, it is... fine... my... dear friend..." he coughed, blood coming from his lips. Kisame shook his head.

"No, I can't accept that, Itachi-chan, you can't die!" he cried, clutching one of Itachi's hands between his. Before he could say anything else, Itachi's head lolled to one side. He was dead. Kisame burst into uncontrollable tears as he screamed into the night, while still clutching Itachi's body. "NOOOOO!"

While this was occurring, Lee and Gai sobbed in one another's arms nearby. "Oh! Gai-sensei, such beauty!" Lee sobbed.

Gai cried in response, "Yes, Lee! This is the true beauty of comrades!"

"Gai-sensei!"

"Lee!"

"Gai-sensei!"

"Lee!"

While Kisame, Gai, and Lee were all sobbing, it was then that another idea was begotten. Kisame continued to cry, until the unexpected shout came from behind him...

"Hakke Rokujuyon Sho!"

---------- **Owari: The End** ----------_  
_

_**Note:** Itachi's weakness to sexy bodies was partially inspired by a scene in the Playstation 2 Strategy RPG Disgaea: Hour of Darkness. _

**Disclaimer & Copyright Information:** I do not own Naruto (© Kishimoto Masashi); however, I am the author of this story. If you have comments or suggestions, leave a review or send me an e-mail. Doumo arigatou, for reading my writing!


	2. Omake 02: In the Name of Itachi

_**Itachi Must Die!...** A series of short stories involving swift, nonsensical demises for Uchiha Itachi under completely ridiculous and even retarded circumstances. Occasional Sasuke+Sakura._

---------- **Omake 02: In the Name of Itachi** ----------

It was rare when the members of the Akatsuki got days to relax and take it easy -- they were usually busy coming up with new ways to track and steal the Biju, but occasionally they received one of those precious days of peace... And today just happened to be one of those days.

... or so it seemed.

Itachi and his comrade Kisame were sitting in what seemed to be a motel room, side by side on one of the beds, watching television, and eating pretzels. They seemed to be enjoying themselves quite a bit; perhaps it had something to do with the sailor skirted girls on the screen running around and shouting out attack names as they roasted the monsters and claimed that it was all in the name of the moon.

Or maybe it was the fact that they enjoyed spending time together. Who knew? It didn't matter, they were hanging out and taking it easy. Nothing could ruin their day... except...

All of a sudden, after popping one of the many pretzels into his mouth, Itachi got so interested in the show that he forgot to chew and the innocent snack got stuck in his throat. He coughed a few times, drawing his companion's attention.

"K... s... me..." Itachi coughed, pointing at his throat with both index fingers. Kisame raised an eyebrow as he studied Itachi's expression very carefully. After several seconds of just listening to Itachi's coughing and pleading for help intangibly, he finally spoke.

"Is something up, Itachi-chan?" Kisame asked. Itachi's eyes were replaced by anime style exes and soon enough he was laying back on the bed, dead as could be. Kisame suddenly realized the problem and pulled Itachi to his feet, before positioning himself behind his comrade. He commenced attempting to force the substance up out of Itachi's throat, and finally, the pretzel flew out to land on the carpeted floor several feet away.

Gradually laying Itachi down on the floor, Kisame grabbed both of his shoulders and began to shake him. "Itachi-chan, Itachi-chan!" he yelled over and over, until he realized...

... that it was already too late for his precious teammate.

It was then that Kisame burst into tears, sobbing onto Itachi's fallen body, and screaming into the sky, "Why! Oh why! Itachi-chan, come baaaaaccckkk!"

Meanwhile, on the television screen, the girl with blond hair affixed in odangoes went through her usual poses, before taking a set stance.

"In the name of the moon, I'll punish you!"

A glint of idea was then visible in Kisame's eyes. With one final sniffle, he vowed, "I won't let it end like this, Itachi-chan..."

A moment or so passed as Kisame pushed himself to his feet before doing a few select poses of the sailor skirted girls on television. He then ended with the peace sign as he snatched up a vase and drew back to throw it at the very innocent looking TV on the stand in the corner...

"Because in the name of Itachi-chan, I shall avenge you!" he cried, but unfortunately for him, the last thing he seen before everything went dark was a shard of the shattered vase flying in a perfect angle toward his neck...

---------- **Owari: The End** ----------_  
_

_**Note:** The anime Kisame and Itachi were watching was Sailor Moon. _

**Disclaimer & Copyright Information:** I do not own Naruto (© Kishimoto Masashi); however, I am the author of this story. If you have comments or suggestions, leave a review or send me an e-mail. Doumo arigatou, for reading my writing!


	3. Omake 03: The Eyes of Itachi

_**Itachi Must Die!...** A series of short stories involving swift, nonsensical demises for Uchiha Itachi under completely ridiculous and even retarded circumstances. Occasional Sasuke+Sakura._

---------- **Omake 03: The Eyes of Itachi** ----------

It was a glum day in Konohagakure. Itachi had returned yet again, and Sasuke had appeared out of seemingly nowhere to challenge him. Though the younger Uchiha boy had fought fiercely, he had fallen as expected and was now at his elder brother's mercy.

Itachi was currently straddling Sasuke's waist, a kunai raised and poised to strike. There was no hope remaining for Sasuke it seemed -- it was over.

Just when it seemed that all was lost, Sasuke closed his eyes to concentrate. An idea screamed to make itself known in his mind, and soon enough his eyes snapped open in determination. Focusing much of his chakra into his hand, he thrust it upwards with two fingers extended to attack Itachi's one(or two) weaknesses!

Unfortunately for the younger Uchiha, Itachi raised a hand to catch his fingers, stopping their ascent to his precious Sharingan embued eyes. He frowned in disapproval of his brother's useless attempts.

"Not good enough, foolish little brother..." he said as he gripped Sasuke's neck in his hands. However, before he had the chance to strangle the life from Sasuke, Naruto and Sakura came at him from either side, each jabbing a single finger into both of his eyes. Itachi screamed in agony as the two stepped back, his head reeling back and his hands shooting up to cover his eyes.

"**NOOOO**! My precious **SHARINGAN**! **NOOOO**!" he yelled, several agonized screams following. Without his eyes, he had no desire to live...

Itachi had been defeated.

But it wasn't over yet. Taking the presented opportunity, Sasuke quickly performed the seals neccessary for the Chidori before shoving said attack up through Itachi's left chest.

Pulling his hand back out, Sasuke managed to kick his brother off of him, picking himself up and dusting himself off. An overly emotional Sakura lept into his arms then, greatly confusing the young Uchiha. He shrugged.

"Itachi's dead now, so what the hell?" he sighed in defeat before wrapping an arm around Sakura's shoulders much to the pink haired girl's joy; they then walked back into the village's gates with Naruto close behind talking about ramen and how hungry he had gotten in that fearsome encounter...

Soon after, a familiar shark-faced man happened across Itachi's fallen body and fell to his knees beside it. Tears spilled unrealistically from his eyes as a sudden high pitched scream next came from his mouth.

"Itachi-chan, WHY?" he cried out, the fluffy pillows called clouds in the brilliant blue sky above just passing him by carelessly. He sniffled as he checked Itachi's pulse, only to discover that he indeed was very, very dead. "_Noooooooo_!" Kisame sobbed into his companion's chest.

It was by mere chance that the one and only Hyuuga Neji happened by. He glanced at Itachi and Kisame, immediately recognizing them as S-rank criminals, and with a nicely placed palm strike over the shark man's heart, Kisame crumpled forward over his beloved friend's body, also dead.

Neji shook his head before stuffing his hands in his pockets and continuing on his way.

"So much for that."

---------- **Owari: The End** ----------__

**Note:** Every two chapters, Itachi will be killed by the Chidori in a relatively different way each time.

**Disclaimer & Copyright Information:** I do not own Naruto (© Kishimoto Masashi); however, I am the author of this story. If you have comments or suggestions, leave a review or send me an e-mail. Doumo arigatou, for reading my writing!


	4. Omake 04: How The Mighty Have Fallen

_**Itachi Must Die!...** A series of short stories involving swift, nonsensical demises for Uchiha Itachi under completely ridiculous and even retarded circumstances. Occasional Sasuke+Sakura._

---------- **Omake 04: How The Mighty Have Fallen** ----------

It seemed that Itachi had won again... There was no way; it seemed that the revenge the young avenger desired could never be aquired -- would it always remain beyond his reach?

Regardless, Sasuke lay defeated at his brother's feet, not even able to muster enough strength to stand. He gritted his teeth in agonizing pain as Itachi frowned down at him before stepping cruelly on his left hand.

"You should have known that you were no match--"

It was then that Sakura marched up to the elder of the two Uchiha brothers, her eyes narrowed in fierce anger. She frowned deeply.

"How dare you step on Sasuke-kun?" she screamed before drawing her right hand back; with a loud yell of determination, her hand came into stinging contact with Itachi's left cheek causing his Sharingan eyes to visibly widen for perhaps the first time in his life as comical tears began to swim in them.

He was shocked, appalled even.

In the next moment, he was running around in circles, gripping his head between his hands as he screamed out in horror. "No! My beautiful face is ruuuuiiiined!" he sobbed as he threw his tantrum, leaving Sasuke and Sakura both in a state of shock.

After shaking off his daze, in one final burst of energy, Sasuke reached up and gripped Itachi's ankle before shoving forward with the last of his strength and knocking his big brother off balance. With a loud yell, Itachi stumbled around a while before falling right off the edge of the cliff nearby.

"KIIISSSAAAMMMEEEEEE!" he screamed as he fell, the sound of his companion's name echoing off the ravine's walls. From out of nowhere, said shark-faced man came running and quickly realized what had happened. Teary eyed and frowning sadly now, he turned, raised his arms above his head with his palms together before diving headfirst off the mountain's steep ledge...

"I'M COMING WITH YOU, ITACHI-CHAAAAAANNNNNN!" he screamed, his voice gradually getting farther and farther away as it echoed and reverberated similarly to the way Itachi's had...

With Sakura's aid, Sasuke managed to make it to his feet, staring down off the cliff's face in disbelief. Itachi was gone -- his brother was finally dead, and the Uchiha clan had been successfully avenged.

He turned his head to look at Sakura and she grinned victoriously. "Look, Sasuke-kun! Your revenge is a success!" she stated, pointing down the cliff. Sasuke nodded once as he stared down after Itachi and Kisame.

"You're... right," he said, his expression becoming more thoughtful. But, for some strange reason, he felt like he was forgetting something... Ah yes, that was it!

Without another word, he found a second spurt of energy and turned his head to plant one firmly on his pink haired female teammate's unexpecting lips.

Soon enough, they parted and there was a long silence, eventually interrupted by the sound of two distant thuds(presumably when Itachi and Kisame hit the ground below).

"Ramen?" Sasuke offered with a shrug. Sakura returned his shrug and smiled.

"Sure!" the pink haired kunoichi responded, perhaps more cheerful than she had ever been in her life. After casting one last glance off the mountain, Sasuke and Sakura headed back in the direction of Konohagakure, arm in arm...

Itachi had fallen, quite literally as it turned out. But now, as Itachi and Kisame literally hit rock bottom, Sasuke and Sakura were off of the completed matter of avenging the fallen Uchiha clan and onto the more pressing matter of getting ramen, together...

---------- **Owari: The End** ----------__

**Note:** I am now accepting suggestions for future chapters. Any ideas are highly appreciated -- if I use an idea, the one who gave it to me will, of course, be credited. Thank you for reading Itachi Must Die!.

**Disclaimer & Copyright Information:** I do not own Naruto (© Kishimoto Masashi); however, I am the author of this story. If you have comments or suggestions, leave a review or send me an e-mail. Doumo arigatou, for reading my writing!


	5. Omake 05: Kakashi's Secret Weapon

_**Itachi Must Die!...** A series of short stories involving swift, nonsensical demises for Uchiha Itachi under completely ridiculous and even retarded circumstances. Occasional Sasuke+Sakura._

---------- **Omake 05: Kakashi's Secret Weapon** ----------

What was once known as Team 7 faced off against the traitorous Uchiha Itachi, each of the four looking rather exhausted; again, they were all being defeated(somehow) by the Weasel of Konoha himself. None the less, things were looking pretty bad for Kakashi, Sasuke, Sakura, and Naruto -- rather, things were looking very bad indeed.

Nearby, Kisame spectated upon the fight, his eyes flinching from the so-called good guys to his teammate; he was rooting for the latter, and it seemed it was to be another victory for the Akatsuki -- but still, the shark-faced man couldn't prevent that nagging feeling in the back of his head that continued to insist that it wasn't over until the fat lady sang...

... or the Copy Ninja.

Kakashi very slowly closed his eyes and straightened his stance. "I didn't want to have to use this. But... it seems that I've no choice," he said as he reached into one of the pockets of his forest green vest. His three former students raised their eyes to him in surprise -- what was their sensei planning? Perhaps it was an ultimate secret Jutsu that the white haired genius had been keeping hidden all of this time...

Itachi watched in interest as Kakashi started to draw his fingers back out, everyone's eyes focused fully on that sneaky right hand. Apprehensive tension was filling the air -- what would he do?

Everything seemed to switch back into normal time as Kakashi finished retrieving the object from his vest and tossed it deftly at their opponent. Itachi, who had been previously bracing for impact, blinked as he caught what -- to normal eyes(or Sharingan ones) -- would appear a perfectly average book.

A collective gasp formed from the mouths of Sasuke, Sakura, and Naruto all as they noticed the letters imprinted across the cover. For the book that Kakashi had thrown...

... was his beloved one and only copy of Icha Icha Tactics.

Their jaws dropped as Itachi slowly opened the book, his eyes beginning to scan over the pictures of unknown content. A mystical light shown out from the thin pages, a light that gradually grew in brightness the longer it remained open...

... Until Itachi was blinded and could no longer see a thing. Panicking, he tossed the book to the ground, grabbing and rubbing at his eyes frantically.

"**NO**, not my **EYES**! I'm **POWERLESS** without my **EYES**!" he yelled quite loudly, not being able to see that his younger brother had somehow gotten behind him and had just finished the hand seals for the known fastest of offensive Jutsus... the Chidori!

Sasuke had just began to move quite fast indeed, when he noticed that during the charging of his move another had screamed a fierce battle cry and jumped down to shield Itachi from the final blow...

Kisame stood with his arms outstretched like a true human shield. "I **WILL NEVER** let you **GET** to **ITACHI-CHAAANNN**!" he yelled worthlessly as he stood his ground -- he would protect Itachi until the end! Sasuke would have shrugged had he not been moving at an ultra high speed, but settled for instead smirking slightly as he neared -- Kisame would die first, then Itachi would be next...

However, that is not what happened. Instead, Kisame was jerked abruptly out of the way by a white blur, causing Sasuke's attack to make contact as originally intended, piercing Itachi's heart.

"Kisame, save **MEEE**!" Itachi had called just before Chidori pierced his chest. Kisame reached out with his free arm, the other being held tightly by the one who had grabbed him.

"**ITACHI-CHAN**, _NOOOOOO_!" he screamed, but was silenced by a palm strike to his spine. He bent forward partially, he was dead now. Neji released his arm allowing the freak of nature to collapse forward onto the ground. Staring down at the unmoving carcas, the Hyuuga quickly kicked it in the side before sighing in disappointment and turning to wander back into the village. How pointless.

Meanwhile, Itachi crumpled forward next to Kisame's body. He coughed slightly -- he was dying as well. Tears seeped from under his eyes as he lay his head against his dead comrade's chest. "Ki... sa... me..." he sobbed finally, before sucking in a sharp gasp. "I was... supposed to die... first..." he croaked finally in a rather melodramatic way before his head lolled over.

Sasuke could only stare down at his brother and Kisame in disbelief. Had his brother been gay? Something about that sent a chill down his spine. He would just remember him as being completely uninterested in relationships as before.

Nearby, Sakura tapped him on the shoulder. He glanced at her and she smiled nervously. "Um, Sasuke-kun, now that you've avenged your clan and all..." she began, playing with her fingers in embarrassment. Sasuke blinked once as he tried to piece together what his companion was saying. Figuring it out, he mentally nodded to himself before turning to walk back into the village.

"Sure, I'll go on a date with you," he replied, and Sakura's head snapped up. She hummed to herself as she marched up behind Sasuke to walk off into the village together. Kakashi and Naruto exchanged a confused glance before Naruto folded his arms behind his head.

"I'm gonna get some ramen," he added before turning to walk back into the village himself. Kakashi breathed a sigh, now alone, as he wandered over to where Itachi and Kisame's dead bodies lay.

Oh well, so Sasuke had achieved revenge with the Chidori after all. Sure, he hadn't wanted him to use it for that purpose, but it didn't really make much of a difference as long as everyone was happy! Wow. He really needed to get some more hobbies...

With a shrug, Kakashi pulled his headband back down over his left eye. Kneeling down, he then snatched up his precious Icha Icha Tactics and dusted it off before flipping it open to continue reading where he had left off...

---------- **Owari: The End** ----------

**To Chuck Vaffunculo Norris:** Hahem. I've been waiting for this; my first flame! All right, let's get this started. You think it's pitiful? I don't mind at all! All the more inspiration for me to continue. I am indeed a Sasuke fan. I also acknowledge that without Itachi, Sasuke's character would not be the character that I like. He is the one who builds Sasuke's character, he is the one who tears it down. I am well aware of this fact -- these stories are merely for a little fun since I find it frustrating that Sasuke has such a one track mind(though, for a while, he was getting much closer to Kakashi, Sakura, and Naruto) and this is one of the many things caused by Itachi. Itachi's deaths in my story are supposed to be unimaginable and completely ridiculous(this is where the **humor **part comes in). It may be a waste of time on your behalf, but I enjoy to write them and there are several people who enjoy to read them(As far as I know, I am allowed to post stories whenever I want to, it's my account and this site's guidelines do not prohibit me from posting parodies; or, if it does, I am unaware and I would like someone to point it out to me.). I don't want your pity, because frankly I don't need it. It's negative reviews like these and positive reviews both that I need to inspire me to keep writing. Moving on, I haven't seen anything that makes Naruto+Sakura more canon than Sasuke+Sakura, and even if they had a big kiss on a page of the manga, I wouldn't care. I hardly ever support canon couples, and I don't have to eat my heart out -- I can write Fan Fiction. Besides all of that, I want to point this out: the internet, my writing, this site, nor the world revolve around you... okay pumpkin?

**To Silver Arrow112:** Woohoo! My second flame! Hahem, it is indeed pointless(and that's why it's funny). I have read every chapter of the manga, and I do realize that there is a deeper meaning behind what happened. This is a **humor** story, meant for **comedy**. I believe I mentioned this plenty of times, right? Yes, I've thought about that too: Itachi is stronger than Orochimaru, so what can Oto do that Konoha can't? It's probably because Sasuke was so desperate that he believed Orochimaru's promise of power. Yes, Sasuke once did make plenty of appearances, but he has been gone for quite some time(though he just recently was shown again, finally). You don't like Sasuke, that's fine -- I've talked to all kinds of people who detest him, and I am friends with a couple of them. You have your opinion, I have mine, ne? I never said that Sasuke likes Sakura, I said that I like the couple; and, no, even if he did return her feelings, that doesn't automatically mean she would know. His first priority(and only priority at times) is to kill Itachi. His goal of reviving the Uchiha clan is no longer very apparent(he is willing to become a container for Orochimaru as long as he is able to kill Itachi). I have read every chapter of the manga, the manga has not ended as of yet, and Sakura has not ended up with Naruto. Also, I have seen no proof that she feels anything more for Naruto than she did two and half years ago(aside from additional respect). The two seem to be friends and their relationship, in my eyes, remains platonic. But, as I said above, even if Sakura ends up with Naruto in the end, I couldn't care less; I still have Fan Fiction, and I will always support the Sasuke+Sakura couple. Besides, Naruto belongs with Hinata; she's perfect for him. Oh no, I don't mind this review at all; I appreciate that you took the time to give me your opinion

**Notes:** Now that I'm finished with all of that... Hahem, I will try and make some longer chapters in the future, but right now they're fun to write short And, yes, it is part of the 'gag' for Kisame to die in every chapter along with Itachi(I find it funny, and it was partially my brother's suggestion ). Arigatou for the suggestions; and, everyone(including the 2 flamers), thank you for the reviews! And, remember, flames only prove your immaturity and inspire me to write more!

**Disclaimer & Copyright Information:** I do not own Naruto (© Kishimoto Masashi); however, I am the author of this story. If you have comments or suggestions, leave a review or send me an e-mail. Doumo arigatou, for reading my writing!


	6. Omake 06: Pop Goes The Weasel!

_**Itachi Must Die!...** A series of short stories involving swift, nonsensical demises for Uchiha Itachi under completely ridiculous and even retarded circumstances. Occasional Sasuke+Sakura.  
_

---------- **Omake 06: Pop Goes The Weasel!** ----------

Facing off, Sasuke and Itachi levelled one another with a serious glare, their sharingan eyes meeting in an intense exchange of determination. Something like amusement and definite superiority flickered in the elder's crimson Mangekyou eyes, making Sasuke grit his teeth slightly.

All the years of training and preparation -- this was the moment it all came down to.

More over, they were having their climactic final showdown just outside the boundaries of Konohagakure, the place of their origin -- the place that Itachi had betrayed all those years ago, the place that Sasuke had betrayed two and a half years ago. It was enough to make Sasuke frown in remembrance, but he didn't let it detur him; he had to remain strong, he had to fight his best.

He had to win.

Unfortunately, at such a point as it was, he wasn't fairing too well. Itachi clearly had the advantage, Itachi _always_ had the advantage. Sasuke wouldn't let it frustrate him though, he wouldn't let the rage consume him as it had before -- he had to remain calm if he hoped for any kind of chance in this.

"Are you ready to surrender, foolish little brother?" Itachi asked menacingly, his eyes narrowed slightly and staring into Sasuke's coldly. Sasuke clenched his hands into tight fists as he felt sweat beading on his forehead. What could he do now?

"Dammit, Itachi... If only I had me mallet..." Sasuke grunted, the improper usage of the word 'me' in place of 'my' breaking the serious tension of the air. A flicker of something else danced in Itachi's eyes now, as if he was feeling threatened or just confused by this statement of his younger brother's.

"Wha--"

"HEY, SASUKE!" a familiar voice called from nearby, drawing both Sasuke's and Itachi's gazes over to the possessor. Naruto stood several feet away, a supportive grin on his face as he pitched the oversized mallet he was holding over to his former teammate. "CATCH!"

With a slight grin, Sasuke raised his right hand in time to catch the oddly shaped hammer, a devious gleam shining brightly in his now once again obsidian orbs. Itachi's eyes widened slightly in shock, a frown of disbelief on his mouth as Sasuke looked from the mallet over to his brother.

"Ahh, me mallet..." Sasuke would have rubbed his hands together as he couldn't suppress the small snicker of something akin to malevolence that came next.

"No, it can't be!" Itachi gasped, unable to hide his surprise -- was it possible that the one thing he feared was the object Sasuke held? Or was it that maniacal look of glee in Sasuke's eyes, perhaps? Itachi's lips parted to shout something as Sasuke approached him slightly closer.

"Don't do it!"

Regardless of his words, it was too late now.

"Nihihihi..." Stepping toward his brother, Sasuke raised the mallet above his head...

... just as a black bar with the word 'Censored' written neatly across it blacked out the view. The random sounds of bangs, pops, pows, thwacks, thwuds, and other loud noises remniscent of those a hammer makes when hitting something, soon filled the air...

Once the last one stopped, the dust settled, revealing Itachi lying on the ground with several huge bumps on his head, his eyes exed out anime style -- he had been defeated. Sasuke huffed as he leaned the head of the mallet against the ground, leaning his right palm on the base of its shaft. He raised his eyes from his brother before closing them, when out of nowhere(or maybe it was just in Sasuke's mind), mysterious familiar music began playing a much loathed and infamous tune, ending with a particular line...

**_'Pop goes the weasel!'_**

The Uchiha clan had been successfully avenged.

Nearby, Naruto grinned dumbly and rubbed the back of his head as he approached Sasuke, hoping to convince the raven haired shinobi to return to Konoha of his own will -- now that Itachi was dead, maybe that would be possible.

However, before the blond haired boy could say a word, another stepped past him, her emerald eyes and pink hair announcing her entrance. Sasuke turned and looked at her, his lips curving down in another frown.

Sakura felt tears welling up in her eyes as she stepped closer. It really was Sasuke -- he really was there, right in front of her! He was back, he was back in Konohagakure!

... But would he stay?

"Sasuke-kun--"

"Hn." Sasuke breathed a low sigh as he pitched the mallet to one side, an unseen being catching it as he turned toward Naruto and Sakura, a small smirk visible on his face.

"What's with those looks?" he asked, and Sakura smiled happily as Naruto reached up to wipe his eyes, "Look, I get it -- I'm not going anywhere."

Before he had the chance to react, Sakura and Naruto both glomped him simultaneously, forming a group hug between all three members of the former Team 7 -- it was a happy reunion of friends, and now they wouldn't have to be seperated again...

Nearby, while the dramatic reunion was taking place, Kisame snuck upon the scene, his eyes sad as he beheld his fallen comrade. Itachi was dead, where would that leave him? Comical tears swelled in the shark man's eyes as he knelt beside Itachi's body.

"Oh, now what will I do? Woe is me! This sadness, it is truly too much for me to bare! How will I go on with out Ita--" the feeling of a small tap on his right shoulder drew his attention. Turning his gaze slowly to one side, Kisame's eyes met a pair of pure white ones, a smirk visible under them.

And that was the last thing Kisame saw.

Swinging Sasuke's discarded mallet for all he was worth, Neji watched as Kisame was knocked several feet away, his Akatsuki cloak-wearing self skidding to a stop, a large and rather terrible bump visible on the center of his forehead. Neji sighed before dropping the mallet and dusting his hands together; he then turned to head back into Konoha, casting one small glance at Team 7. He paused briefly.

"Hey, Uchiha, how about a sparring match later?" he called. So the Uchiha was back -- might as well make the best of it! Sasuke raised his head at the sound of his family name being used, his black eyes finding the Hyuuga boy a few feet away.

"Sure," his response was somewhat quiet, but loud enough to be heard. Neji closed his eyes and continued back into Konoha. Pushing Naruto away from Sasuke, Sakura smiled as she stepped back as well, her hands pausing on Sasuke's shoulders.

"You've... not changed at all!" she cried finally after a few seconds of scrutinizing the confused Uchiha, before hugging him again, causing Naruto to grin slightly and Sasuke to stiffen in surprise.

It was then that, out of seemingly nowhere, Kakashi appeared, his eyes poking up over the top of his book to look at the three of them. His eye grinned as he patted Sasuke on the head encouragingly.

"Good job and all, but I've gotta ask," he began, drawing the curiosity of all three of his students. A sly look was visible in his only perceptible eye just before he closed it again. Kakashi's invisible grin widened a bit and Naruto snickered at what the silver haired jounin said next, Sakura's eyes blinking, and Sasuke's jaw dropping...

"So... Are you still planning on reviving that fallen clan of yours?"

---------- **Owari: The End** ----------_  
_

_**Note:** This was, oddly enough, partially inspired by Devil May Cry 3(more specifically, a line of Arkham's just after the final boss fight); the mallet idea was partially inspired by Courage: The Cowardly Dog and partially inspired by the classical tune Pop Goes The Weasel. _

**Credit:** Armor King assisted me with this idea by suggesting the mallet! Doumo arigatou!

**Disclaimer & Copyright Information:** I do not own Naruto (© Kishimoto Masashi); however, I am the author of this story. If you have comments or suggestions, leave a review or send me an e-mail. Doumo arigatou, for reading my writing!


	7. Omake 07: Happy Birthday, Itachi!

_**Itachi Must Die!...** A series of short stories involving swift, nonsensical demises for Uchiha Itachi under completely ridiculous and even retarded circumstances. Occasional Sasuke+Sakura._

---------- **Omake 07: Happy Birthday, Itachi!** ----------

Time had come already, it was Kisame's favorite time of year; the one day every twelve months when the world seemed brighter and more colorful, when he felt elated and happy, and when he just couldn't stop himself from getting his ally some kind of present -- it was Uchiha Itachi's birthday.

Needless to say, the entire day, Kisame had been beaming. Itachi had been confused about his behavior -- he had indeed acted oddly on his birthday before, but never quite so... chipper. It was obvious to Kisame, to Itachi, and to the reader of this story, that Kisame had something extra special planned this day. Something that he was well excited over, and something that he couldn't wait to see Itachi's reaction to!

He had called his relatives from out of town.

-----

But that wasn't all that was happening on this particular day.

And, unfortunately, things weren't looking so good for Itachi right now. He had been passing through the Hinokuni, when out of nowhere, Sasuke had appeared in his path. This had immediately spurted another bout between the brothers, and at some point, Kakashi and the others had also appeared.

Now, Itachi and Sasuke were facing off, their battle set on a wooden bridge overlooking the sea; somehow, Sasuke had managed to gain the advantage in this fight it seemed. He had fought with all he'd had, and with a little of Kakashi's assistance, Itachi was on the losing end; even now, he was leaning forward partially and panting heavily for breath. It was truly an out of character sight to be seen of the elder of the Uchiha brothers, but it was a moment Sasuke had been waiting for ever since Itachi had decimated their village for the sole purpose of making Sasuke an entertaining character in the popular manga and anime named _Naruto_...

(A chibi Kakashi suddenly popped up from behind an enlarged copy of Icha Icha Tactics, raising his right index finger. Kakashi: "Fourth wall!" He then sank back down into his book, quietly.)

Hahem, as I was saying. And now, now Sasuke was finally managing to win. So, as Itachi coughed up a small spray of blood, the younger spiky haired of the two swiftly shaped the appropriate seals for the Chidori, ready to finish what he had started.

It all came down to this; he had been waiting for years, training and training some more. Now, it was time to finally avenge his fallen clan, it was time to reclaim the honor he had lost so long ago. It was time to take Itachi's life, it was time to take his own life back.

It was time to end it...

... And other such overdramatized stuff.

As Sasuke began his run, pushing his left hand forward, it seemed that time slipped into slow motion; everything felt surreal, was it really true -- was he really about to fulfill his dream?

... Unfortunately, it seemed not.

Because, just as he neared his target, a shark-faced man came running out of nowhere to shove Itachi out of the attack's trajectory. Sasuke ran right past where Itachi was previously standing, and his hand lodged itself in a tree a few feet away. As he jerked his hand back out and turned around to see what had happened, his sharingan embued eyes beheld something he most certainly was _not_ expecting.

As Itachi had been knocked out of the way of the Chidori, he had stumbled back before falling right off the edge of the bridge in a descent toward the vast ocean below.

"**_KISAME_**, you _idiot_! I can't **SWIM**!" he called out as he fell...

Sploosh.

Kisame ran over to the edge of the bridge, watching in horror as his comrade's body met with the surface of the water below. He panicked. "Itachi-chan!" he called, and it was as if the sound of Kisame's voice triggered what happened next.

Familiar music filtered into his ears, falling over the Hinokuni and removing the semi silence of before. It was a tune that Kisame was quite familiar with in fact -- music from his most favorite movie of all time!

It was, without a doubt, the _Jaws_ theme.

Kisame winced as he watched his teammate being torn apart by a very recognizable shark in a gory and utterly nauseating display. Sakura felt her stomach churn as she held her hands to her mouth to stop herself from throwing up, and Naruto grimaced in reaction. Sasuke blinked, and Kakashi read.

One last ear piercing scream was the final sound that came from Itachi's lips as the remains of his Akatsuki cloak floated atop the now blood stained water. Tears swelled in Kisame's eyes; it was his cousin from out of town -- one of the ones he had called for Itachi's surprise present. Instead of Itachi meeting them, it seemed that Kisame had unwittingly given his companion to his cousin for dinner.

In other words, he had been the direct cause of Itachi's demise.

It was as if he'd killed him with his own two hands.

Well, technically it had been his hands that had shoved Itachi.

The point was... Itachi was dead.

The shark swam away. Kisame sobbed.

"No, Itachi-chan! I'm sorry!" he wailed. It was at this time when a familiar Hyuuga suddenly walked onto the scene and made his way over to the shark correlated Akatsuki member. Laying a hand on Kisame's shoulder to draw his attention, Neji pulled out a kunai and held it forward, prepared to impale the wielder of Samehada. Kisame rolled his eyes before shrugging Neji off.

"Don't even bother; look, I got it," he assured before snatching Neji's kunai and shoving it into his own chest. Pinching his nose, he then dropped into the stained red water of his own volition, screaming one last thing before falling in(for the purpose of letting himself drown or bleed to death -- whichever might come first)...

"**ITACHI-CHAN**, I PROMISE IT WILL BE DIFFERENT IN THE NEXT _OOOMMMAAAKKKEEE_!" he screamed, just before a giant splash could be heard when he hit the water. Kakashi glanced up over his Icha Icha Tactics book, raising his left index finger.

"Fourth wall," he reminded, and nearby Sasuke slapped his forehead. Neji blinked after Kisame as he scratched the back his head, puzzled by this odd turn of events; he had just assumed that he should kill Kisame(it seemed right) -- what had he done wrong?

Meanwhile, Sasuke was downright confused. Beyond the whole Itachi becoming fish food and all, and even beyond Kisame being so willing to die alongside him even thought it had technically been his fault that the Mangekyou user was dead...

Itachi couldn't swim... Sasuke had never known that. What ninja couldn't swim? Well, of course that Hotsuma guy in the one video game... but what _real_ ninja couldn't swim?

Sasuke shrugged it off before taking one of Sakura's hands(much to her surprise and obvious happiness), and turning to head back to Konoha. "Anyone want ramen? It's on me."

Kakashi, Naruto, and Neji exchanged a shrug before beginning to walk behind Sasuke and Sakura; hey, it was free lunch! Who wouldn't take the offer of free lunch?

"So guys," Sakura said along the trip, glancing back over her shoulder at the others. "I wonder if that Kisame guy really will somehow stop Sasuke-kun from killing Itachi in the next Omake?" she added in question. Sasuke quirked an eyebrow and Kakashi very quietly continued reading.

Neji breathed a low sigh before muttering finally, "Fourth wall."

---------- **Owari: The End** ----------_  
_

_**Note:** This one is based on Jaws; the line about 'Hotsuma' was referring to the Playstation 2 video game named Shinobi. On a secondary note, if you noticed the lack of a Chidori death in this Omake, I have decided to lay back some on the Chidori kills(I'm running low on ways of killing Itachi with the Chidori). _

**Credit:** This idea came from a suggestion by RaeDragongirl! Arigatou for the review, and I hope you like the Omake!

**Disclaimer & Copyright Information:** I do not own Naruto (© Kishimoto Masashi); however, I am the author of this story. If you have comments or suggestions, leave a review or send me an e-mail. Doumo arigatou, for reading my writing!


	8. Omake 08: A Better Ninja

_**Itachi Must Die!...** A series of short stories involving swift, nonsensical demises for Uchiha Itachi under completely ridiculous and even retarded circumstances. Occasional Sasuke+Sakura._

---------- **Omake 08: A Better Ninja** ----------

It had been a pretty boring day for the Akatsuki -- Uchiha Itachi in particular. He had been walking all day, and after making a couple of mediocre shinobi wish they'd never been born, he had just settled down to rest for the evening. He had selected a good place in the forest, right before sending Kisame off to get some firewood and catch something to eat; meanwhile, as his bumbling shark faced _companion_ was off fetching dinner, he was ready catch up on a little sleep...

So, the elite ninja had leaned back against a nice tree stump and shut his eyes to drift off into a rather peaceful, yet light, slumber.

-----

After three good hours of undisturbed sleep, Itachi cracked his sharingan embued eyes open to scan them around the area; there was nothing.

No fire, no dinner, no Kisame.

Something was definitely odd about that -- he'd been sleeping for at least a couple of hours, there was no way it was taking Kisame that long. Kisame was an idiot compared to himself, but he wasn't that incompetant...

Pushing himself to a standing position, the dark haired ninja took a few small steps forward. Should he go find Kisame, or just wait? It certainly wouldn't be right to just take off without his ally... well, he wouldn't do it anyway(for the sake of this Omake).

Itachi's thoughts were abruptly silenced when he felt the cool blade of a katana pressed against his throat. He calmly narrowed his eyes as he glanced back just slightly; he had to keep his composure -- this nobody didn't have what it took to actually harm him(he _was_ the great Uchiha Itachi, after all)...

But then, why hadn't he noticed his presence? Somehow, he felt he needed to know who this nobody was...

"Your name." Itachi spoke coldly, and after several seconds, the wielder of the sword(who wore his hair in long black braid) responded.

"Karite Shugou," he responded just as coldly. Itachi frowned slightly. "And may I ask what exactly you are supposed to be?"

Itachi's frown upturned into a pleasant smirk. "I am an elite Uchiha shinobi -- Uchiha Itachi," he responded confidently. Shugou waited a second before replying.

"Never heard of you."

Itachi breathed a sigh to keep the statement from bothering him. "I am the greatest shinobi the Hinokuni has ever seen, perhaps the greatest shinobi of the world."

"On second thought, I don't really care what you are." Shugou replied quickly, before sliding the sharp edge of his blade across Itachi's throat to effectively slit it causing the ninja he was holding to vanish. He then closed his amethyst colored eyes a minute later. "A bunshin. You may be a ninja, but your timing needs practice."

Itachi smirked from behind his attacker. "Is that so? It appears it was enough to win this for me," he said quietly. Shugou wanted to roll his eyes but restrained himself. What kind of hollow headed morons were they dealing with exactly? He'd heard that the guy was full of himself, but sheesh!

Itachi's grin faded into a more neutral look. "It seems that I am the better ninja," he added before activating his Mangekyou Sharingan. "This Genjutsu of mine -- it's called Tsukuyomi. I will use it to place you into an illusory world where all aspects, including the perception of time itself, are controlled by me. You will be trapped in this illusory world for three minutes, but to you it will seem like three days," he explained. Shugou breathed an unimpressed sigh.

"Better... ninja."

Itachi's eyes widened slightly when another Shugou walked up beside him, laying his left hand on the Uchiha's right shoulder and slipping his katana from its scabbard. The Bunshin that had been standing in front of him then disappeared. Itachi gritted his teeth.

_It was a Bunshin...!_

Itachi didn't have time to react as Shugou spun Chimidoro once before impaling his target through the heart with it. Itachi gasped slightly in surprise.

"And this katana of mine -- it's called Chimidoro," he murmured finally, repeating Itachi's words of a few minutes ago. Shugou frowned slightly as he drew his sword back out of Itachi's chest before raising his right foot and kicking Itachi back onto the ground. He then swiped the air once with Chimidoro, afterwards sheathing it.

"Hmf. Itachi, huh?"

-----

Meanwhile, Hoshigaki Kisame yawned as he cast another weary glance around himself. Yep, he had gotten lost all right. He frowned as he rubbed the back of his neck somewhat sheepishly. Itachi was going to be furious when he woke up...

In the next minute, someone caught the unsuspecting shark faced man from behind, holding what felt like a blade to his back. Kisame breathed a low sigh, somehow knowing what was about to happen. "Damn you Hyuuga..." he muttered, disapprovingly. When would this stop? In every Omake, he was killed by that same Hyuuga boy...

"Hyuuga? What is that?" a rather cold voice said from behind. Kisame's eyes popped open wide. In the next minute he crumpled forward, dead as a doorknob.

Gouma Toramaru shook his head at the hapless idiot as he slid his katana Zanmato back into its scabbard. In the next few minutes, Shugou stepped up quietly behind Toramaru, surveying the damage quietly.

Casting a glance back at the other shinobi, Toramaru folded his arms. "Such is the result... when a false shadow meets a true one, he is overshadowed by the other's silhouette and cut down by his blade," he said as if in explanation of the very ugly dead _ninja_ on the ground. "How did you fair?"

"Same." Shugou responded simply with a tiny shrug. Toramaru breathed a low sigh. "I guess it's time to head back and collect our payment. They will be angry."

"Agreed."

-----

The minute Shugou and Toramaru stepped into the Ichiraku Ramen, a couple of pleased kunoichi were gathered at either of their sides. While Hanako was inspecting Shugou for any injuries, Saiko was praising Toramaru for such a quickly executed job and Toramaru informed the fifth person present that the mission had been successfully completed.

Shugou looked up at Toramaru as if asking for help(it appeared he was looking for someone to save him from the overprotective female that was still checking for even the tiniest cut or prick he may have on his finger). Toramaru closed his reddish grey eyes in response. "To light a candle is to cast a shadow. With commitment comes responsibility -- in other words, I cannot help you."

Shugou breathed a low sigh as Hanako thanked him for being careful and Toramaru turned to their charge. Haruno Sakura smiled gracefully as she stood from her seat at the counter before placing the appropriate amount of money in the black haired ninja's palm.

"Doumo arigatou for a job well done," Sakura stated with a quick bow. Toramaru nodded before turning to Shugou and handing him half.

"So, what did you talk about?" Shugou asked almost curiously as they turned to leave, causing Hanako to smile before glancing back at Sakura and giving her an encouraging nod. Sakura waved as the four shinobi exited the building, then the village soon after.

Sakura smiled happily as she left the Ichiraku Ramen in time to see Sasuke staring after Shugou, Toramaru, Hanako, and Saiko in confusion. He was holding what looked like a jelly doughnut in his hand and he had an eyebrow raised.

Turning, the raven haired Uchiha noticed the happy look on Sakura's face and frowned slightly. "Who were they?" he asked quietly. The pink haired kunoichi smiled before clasping her hands behind her back.

"Shinobi from out of town." Sakura responded before turning to walk off down the sidewalk and motioning for Sasuke to follow her. Strangely, he did. Sakura closed her eyes after glancing at her black haired companion. There was much to explain.

Much indeed.

---------- **Owari: The End** ----------_  
_

_**Note:** Karite Shugou and Oukaru Hanako are original characters created and copyrighted by me(For those of you who may be interested, Shugou and Hanako are the stars of an Original Fiction I started some time back called The Two Sides of Chaos. A link to it can be found on my Profile Page.). Also, Gouma Toramaru and Shikawa Saiko were created and copyrighted by my brother, Armor King(Toramaru is also the star of an Original Fiction, which can be found by going to his profile page.). One of Toramaru's quotes in this Omake("To light a candle is to cast a shadow.") was borrowed from Tenchu: Wrath of Heaven, which neither of us own the rights to(just a copy). _

**More Notes:** For some reason, I didn't feel that this Omake was as funny as the others; I did, however, find it very fun to write. I wanted to do one involving Shugou(because he's a shinobi as well), and I wanted to do a story borrowing my brother's characters, Toramaru and Saiko. I may write others in the future involving these characters(maybe for Itachi Must Die!, maybe for something else). Anyway, thanks for reading!

**Disclaimer & Copyright Information:** I do not own Naruto (© Kishimoto Masashi); however, I am the author of this story. If you have comments or suggestions, leave a review or send me an e-mail. Doumo arigatou, for reading my writing!


	9. Omake 09: A Prettier Shinobi?

_**Itachi Must Die!...** A series of short stories involving swift, nonsensical demises for Uchiha Itachi under completely ridiculous and even retarded circumstances. Occasional Sasuke+Sakura._

---------- **Omake 09: A Prettier Shinobi?** ----------

It had been another long day, another mission, another encounter with the seemingly unbeatable Uchiha Itachi, and another loss for our heroes.

Now they stood, in Kazenokuni(the place of their mission), their battlefield overlooking the vast desert near Sunagakure. Sasuke, Sakura, Naruto, and Neji had been the four deployed on the mission, and the stare down had ensued.

Neji's patented Hyuuga Death Glare was in full effect at the time, while Sakura and Sasuke were trying to come up with a good battle plan, and Naruto's Kage Bunshin no Jutsu had done him little good. On Itachi's side, he'd not yet attempted the mystical Tsukuyomi Genjutsu, and his opponents were merely counting down the time.

Nearby, Kisame watched with a confident smirk. He knew that Itachi wasn't going to lose, Itachi was undefeatable -- he was the one and only. He was the ultimate Shinobi...

He was Kisame's closest friend.

Kisame felt a sudden jolt of pride at that thought. Regardless of that though, he had to focus on the fight. After all, if by some stretch of the imagination Itachi was to end up in the losing corner, the shark faced man would have to step in...

Neji narrowed his eyes slightly as Itachi ran his fingers through his own bangs; this Sasuke-wannabe was very, very self-confident -- to the point of perhaps loving himself more than any other. That was just unfortunate for the Uchiha's clueless ally, that bumbling shark man.

"Oi, _bishoujo_," Neji taunted. He hardly got to play the starring role in these Omakes, so he was going to make the very best of it! Especially after that last one; he hadn't even appeared one time!

Itachi seemed agitated by Neji's taunt, but didn't let it bother him. "Ha, well I'm prettier than you," he shot back. Neji shot him a slightly nastier glare.

Meanwhile...

"So, Gaara... should we help?" Kankurou asked, glancing at the red haired Kazekage. Gaara closed his eyes for a minute, leaving a bleak silence in the air as Kankurou and Temari glanced at each other. Neither of the sound siblings said a word however, and just waited for Gaara to speak.

"I'd rather wait here."

Temari and Kankurou simultaneously face-faulted.

Anyway, back with the others...

"So, we--" Sasuke began, and Sakura was about to speak when they were cut off with the sound of Naruto's voice yelling quite loud.

"SASUKE-TEME, WE'VE GOT TROUBLE!"

Sasuke and Sakura hopped up from their positions a short distance away and rushed back to the battlefield, only to see that Itachi had released his hair from its ponytail and was showcasing his supreme beauty before Neji.

Wait a minute... What?

Neji gritted his teeth. "Uchiha," he grumbled, glancing back at Sasuke. Itachi smiled and spoke.

"Yes, dear Hyuuga?"

"Not you."

"Ah, you will discuss further battle strategies before throwing yourselves at my feet to grovel for your pathetic lives!" Itachi prophesized. Neji breathed a low sigh as he looked back at Sasuke and Sakura.

"How... did you ever put up with him?" Neji asked almost sadly. Sasuke blinked at the unexpected question. The dark haired Hyuuga noticed and a look of sympathy adorned his face next. "Before he betrayed you and slaughtered your clan, I mean -- how did you live with him? Was he always like this?"

Neji felt sorry for Sasuke. He'd never really thought about how trajic Sasuke's past was before today, but... it truly was. Very, very trajic indeed for him to have endured so many years living in the shadow of one such as this.

"Hai." Sasuke responded sadly, his head dropping forward. Sakura patted him on the back.

"You know, I am still here!" Itachi intervened, drawing the others' attentions. Sasuke frowned slightly and Sakura blinked twice(meanwhile, Naruto headed off to try and find Gaara and the others, to request possible assistance).

"Now, where were we? Ah yes. My unrivaled beauty -- it exceeds all. I am the most handsome Uchiha that ever lived."

Sakura's eyebrow twitched. "Nani?"

Pulling out a mirror, Itachi brushed his bangs back slightly and smiled at his own reflection. "Hey there, good lookin'!" he flirted, with a tiny wink directed toward himself. Nearby, Sasuke sighed slightly as Neji walked over so that he was about three feet directly in front of Itachi.

Not saying a single word, Neji kneeled down, got a handful of the sand, stood back up, looked at it a minute, and then threw it at Itachi's precious face. Itachi didn't look up in time to realize it before the sand had already gotten into his eyes.

Yelling and rubbing fiercely at his eyes now, Itachi dropped his mirror(which shattered against a rock). He then began flailing his arms slightly. "My--My Sharingan, my precious Mangekyou!" he cried, "You couldn't stand that I was the better looking brother, could you!"

Stepping forward and drawing back her right hand so that she would be putting the most possible force into her attack, Sakura threw her arm forward, landing a fully chakra charged punch squarely on Itachi's left cheek...

And the fight was over.

Itachi was knocked for a home run, disappearing into the sky above. Nearby, Kisame panicked and grabbed his head as he ran out of hiding.

"NOOOOOOOO, IIITAAACHIII-CHAAAN!" he screamed, and that was the last thing he said before Sasuke appeared behind him and kicked him into the air. The obsidian eyed Uchiha smirked slightly.

"Shishi Rendan."

After diligently performing his aerial combo Taijutsu move, Sasuke landed on the ground as Kisame fell right into a fully powered strike of Neji's Hakke Kusho, blowing him right back up the way he had come and away in the same direction as his beloved comrade...

As Kisame disappeared into the horizon, Sasuke and Neji exchanged a long, hard look.

Minutes passed by, seemed like days.

Sakura frowned slightly and clutched her hands to her chest in concern. Were Sasuke and Neji going to fight now? She was beginning to feel much dread.

"Ha... ha..."

"Haha... ha..."

It was then that Neji and Sasuke began to laugh humorously at the anticlimactic turn of events. Itachi was dead, so Sasuke was pleased; Kisame was dead, so Neji was mysteriously pleased as well. It was as though he had lived through this before -- Kisame's death, it felt like he had watched the shark-faced wierdo die more times than this...

He was having Deja vu.

After finishing their laugh, Neji and Sasuke turned to Sakura and the returning Naruto(with Gaara, Temari, and Kankurou standing behind him, staring off in disbelief at the distant sky)...

But one thing. There would be one thing that all present would forever remember about this day. One thing about Uchiha Itachi, one thing about this hard fought battle, one thing about this fateful turn of life-changing events. There was one thing that would go down in history as fact...

Uchiha Itachi was, if nothing else, the prettiest ninja in Konoha.

---------- **Owari: The End** ----------_  
_

_**Note:** This one is stupid. That is all. _

**Credit:** The idea to throw sand in Itachi's eyes was from **vagae**; instead of having wind blow the sand, I elected to have Neji throw it. Thanks for the idea!

**Disclaimer & Copyright Information:** I do not own Naruto (© Kishimoto Masashi); however, I am the author of this story. If you have comments or suggestions, leave a review or send me an e-mail. Doumo arigatou, for reading my writing!


	10. Omake 10: Itachi Must Live?

_**Itachi Must Die!...** A series of short stories involving swift, nonsensical demises for Uchiha Itachi under completely ridiculous and even retarded circumstances. Occasional Sasuke+Sakura._

---------- **Itachi Must Die: Editorial** ----------

Silence plagued the stage as the audience exchanged short whispers about what was going on and awaited the emergance of the tenth Itachi Must Die! Omake. Lights were out, but they could hear vague shuffling about the stage as if someone were bumbling around upon it...

Finally, spotlights were shown down on the stage and a familiar shark faced man wearing a very serious expression stood behind the microphone, his pasty lips in a negative frown. He was obviously very focused on whatever he was doing there.

When the crowd gathered began to yell angrily and throw things at Kisame, he sternly stood his ground. Taking a deep breath, he spoke finally(hoping to stop the incessant screaming of the audience), "My name is Hoshigaki Kisame, and I am here to protest the making of these Omakes."

Casting a glance back, Kisame nodded his head causing two people to step up beside him. "These two are flamers of Hanako-chan's Itachi Must Die! Omake Series; their names have been changed to protect the reputation of these fine blokes," he explained and the one on the left shot an arm into the air.

"My name is Bill, and I believe I am speaking for a vast amount of Naruto fans when I say that this Omake Series is rubbish! First off, the author claims incorrect things about our precious Itachi-sama!" he shouted. His companion raised his head with a bored look on his face.

"My name is Bob and I'm here 'cause Bill made me," he stated, before being abruptly elbowed in the side. He then raised his left index finger into the air. "I mean, I am here to protest this, uh..." Bill leaned in and quickly whispered the title into Bob's ear, "Itachi Must Die!, yup."

Kisame's expression hardened. "This series is unfair to Itachi-chan!" he called, pointing out to the crowd. Random sighs and yawns of boredom could be heard from the throngs of people. "Itachi-chan had a reason for doing what he did, there's no such thing as good and evil -- the author said so herself!"

Hanako-chan smiled from the front row before raising her hand. Kisame blinked. "That quote is for my Original Fiction, The Two Sides of Chaos. I have no idea how Kishimoto Masashi-sensei perceives things," she spoke up, before glancing over at the cast of that very story who were lined up in seats beside herself. She then glanced back at the crowd with a big smile as she placed a hand on Shugou's head. He looked up at her with a slight frown.

"About that Original Fiction, the main character is Karite Shugou-kun here -- he recently appeared in one of the Omakes. The Two Sides is a really awesome story, please read it!" she added with a wink before turning to her other side where Toramaru and Saiko sat staring at the stage expectantly.

"And this is Gouma Toramaru-san. He recently appeared in the same Omake as Shugou-kun, and he has his own Original Fiction as well, written by Armor King-sensei. The name of it is Tale of a Shadow. Please read it as well!" she finished, dropping back into her seat.

"Oh, wait," she added, looking over at Orochimaru and Kabuto who were also seated in the crowd awaiting the tenth Omake, "I forgot to mention -- everyone keep your eyes open for a companion Omake Series to Itachi Must Die! by Armor King-sensei entitled Oreo Must Die!(Oreo Orochimaru)!" Hanako-chan breathed a sigh as she leaned back in her seat, finally done with her shameless plugging.

As soon as the lilac haired female was finished, Toramaru looked over at Shugou who looked back at him and nodded once. Toramaru breathed a low sigh before standing up as Shugou couldn't suppress a tiny smirk of amusement.

"The existance of something that blocks the light creates the shadow, you have lit a candle that must therefore be extinguished. In other words, remove yourself from the stage or Shugou and I will remove you," he stated in a very profound way as Shugou pushed himself up as well and stretched slightly before gripping the hilt of Chimidoro.

Kisame coughed into his hand somewhat nervously as sweat perspired on his forehead. "Hahem, anyway, and fans of the popular anime/manga Naruto agree that the likelyhood of Sasuke ending up with Sakura is low, and we want to protest Hanako-chan's incessant ramblings about this couple! We all believe that Naruto will get Sakura in the end!" he shouted quite loud.

Backstage, the entire cast of Naruto breathed a collective sigh. Hinata twiddled with her fingers sadly as Sakura fainted in horror at the sound of the last part. Naruto looked over toward his pink haired teammate for but a minute before patting Hinata on the back comfortingly.

Noticing that the poor girl was inanimate, Sasuke poked Sakura's side before frowning and folding his arms. "Hn. How troublesome," he muttered. This ever so familiar utterance drew Shikamaru's attention from across the room.

"Why would you do something troublesome like stealing my line?" he asked lazily, making Sasuke only shrug slightly; however, he offered no explanation. Shikamaru breathed a low sigh, finding it far too bothersome to pursue further answers. "This is troublesome..."

During this display, Ino folded her arms. "I don't think Shark Buddy knows what he's talking about," she muttered, "Sakura-chan and Sasuke-kun are just right for each other!"

This statement of Ino's seemed to betray her character and caused most of the others to facefault. Shikamaru looked over at his blonde haired teammate and frowned slightly at her rather odd behavior -- there was no reason for her to be chipper. After all, if Naruto were to end up with Sakura, then Ino would end up with Chouji, and Shikamaru himself would get stuck with Temari.

Shikamaru winced slightly, "... This really is a troublesome thing that Shark Buddy is doing..."

Kakashi sighed as he finally flipped his book closed, the headache that was forming all too fast too much of a hindrance for him to read anymore right now. Neji and Tenten looked at each other before Tenten bowed her head in defeat. After all, if Sakura were to end up with Naruto, then she would naturally end up with Lee... The poor girl shivered at the thought.

Neji frowned deeply, quickly realizing the terrifying thought that had crossed Tenten's mind. No, no no! He wasn't about to let that happen! The pearl eyed male cracked his knuckles as he and Sasuke began looking around for Kishimoto to find out what his deal was...

But, anyway, back to the _Editorial_...

Kisame disliked the heavy amount of negative attention the crowd was exhibiting, but still refused to be deturred. He had to stand his ground -- for Itachi! So, he took another deep breath to prepare himself.

"Also, we would like to address this continuing mention of this Fourth Wall thing... What exactly is it, and what is Hanako-chan plotting behind it?" he asked rather ominously. Hanako-chan popped up once again.

"Fourth Wall is a phrase used for acting -- when on stage, the actor or actress has only three walls in actuality but the fourth one is an imaginary wall that faces the audience. Basically, to sum it up, no matter what, the actor or actress cannot break that fourth wall and let the audience know that they can see them!" she explained before dropping back into the crowd.

Kisame raised an eyebrow. "Anyway, on a personal note, I also wonder what Hanako-chan is thinking and why that Hyuuga Neji boy always kills me. As an Akatsuki member, I don't take lightly to being taken lightly!" he exclaimed, narrowing his eyes, "Is there a reason why it must always be him?"

"Um, Neji-san kills Kisame a lot because... well, I would actually like to see Neji-san kill Kisame in Naruto. Hm, and I want Sasuke-san to kill Itachi, and Kakashi-san to kill Orochimaru, and Sakura-san to kill Kabuto. Mm hm, that sounds good," she reassured herself with a nod.

Kisame furrowed his eyebrows when Neji poked his head out from behind the curtains, prepared to annihilate Kisame right now if needed. Kisame recovered rather quickly. "And then, _that_ bastard, too! Why the hell did he get to kill me so easily?" he asked, poking a finger at Toramaru. "Him, too. How could he kill Itachi-chan with barely any effort!" he demanded, this time poking his finger at Shugou, who scowled.

Hanako-chan frowned and started to stand again, but was stopped before she could say anything by Shugou. She blinked in confusion as he narrowed his amethyst eyes slightly and stood himself, throwing a rather icy glare at Kisame. "I once found your rant amusing, but now I find it troubling. Go away," said the shinobi quite coldly. Nearby, Toramaru drew Zanmato -- yep, this had went on about long enough.

"Eh, yeah, so please join us in this protest and stop the terrorism that is known as Itachi Must Die!!" Kisame called finally, and it was about that time that Uchiha Itachi walked onto the stage from out of nowhere and grabbed the shark correlated Akatsuki member's ear to drag him off.

"Forget it, Kisame, we have a mission!" he stated. Kisame began flailing his arms just before being drug off into basically nowhere.

"REMEMBER WHAT I HAVE SAID!"

The audience, the Naruto cast, and Bob & Bill all blinked.

Bob then waved. "We'll be leaving now, thanks for your time." And with that, he sulked off the stage with Bill following close behind...

Sasuke then walked out on stage and frowned slightly. "Hn. On with the Omake..."

----- **But, First: Itachi Must Die -- The Intro Song!** -----

Sasuke quickly used Shunshin no Jutsu to reappear backstage as a familiar silver haired Jounin stepped out from behind the rose colored curtains holding a particular book.

Kakashi slipped Icha Icha Tactics into his pocket as he grabbed the microphone. "Hahem, may I have your attention everyone," he spoke, drawing the curiousity of the complete Naruto cast backstage. Sasuke hid his face subconsciously as Kakashi continued.

"This song was written in dedication to our dear friend Uchiha Sasuke, and is a retelling of his life story made just for this Omake Series. The title is, well, Itachi Must Die!..."

Hatake Kakashi then stepped off the stage so that the three Sand siblings could step up, each holding a microphone in preparation to sing the Intro Song for the tenth Omake...

**_A weasel in the dark  
_**_**That's just what he was  
**__**Trying to condemn the heart  
**__**of the brother he once loved **_

_**Slaughtering the family  
**__**The friends that he once knew  
**__**And running off just to be  
**__**One of the Red Moon few  
**__**  
"Foolish little brother,  
**__**Always hate and loathe me  
**__**Live on without honor  
**__**Be miserable and lonely." **_

_**Some variation of these words  
**__**Was the phrase Itachi'd said  
**__**Something profound must have been heard  
**__**Because it stuck in Sasuke's head **_

_**So with the death of his kin  
**__**Sasuke vowed to take revenge  
**__**On his brother, who had murdered  
**__**Their clan and their friends... **_

_**Off he goes now, on a journey  
**__**He lives his life, sad and lonely  
**__**Itachi's death was and is  
**__**His only reason to still live **_

_**Joining up with the snake sannin  
**__**Sasuke does it all for thus  
**__**He plans to see his brother crawling  
**__**At his feet upon the dirt **_

_**It really is a sad truth now  
**__**To think back to his home  
**__**The friends he made, he had betrayed  
**__**All to make this a good song **_

_**So there's only one thing left to do  
**__**Only one good reason why  
**__**Before Sasuke's really screwed  
**_**_Now, Itachi must die!  
_**

Sasuke fainted dead away as the lyrics came to an end and while Sakura tried to comfort him, Neji stuffed his hands in his pockets and walked out on stage.

After shooting a patented Hyuuga Neji Death Glare to the applauding audience, the pearl eyed genius smirked slightly at the long awaited silence of the room, before finally speaking...

"Now, without further interruptions, we _will_ continue with this Omake."

Complete silence.

Neji smiled in satisfaction.

"Good."

---------- **Omake 10: Itachi Must... Live?** ----------

Itachi breathed a sigh as he stared out at the setting sun through his scarlet Sharingan eyes, his lips twisted down into the tiniest of frowns. He was quite deep in thought it seemed, and his mind was conjuring up a thousand thoughts a second to try and figure out what he was thinking about in the first place.

This led to deep, deep confusion.

Nearby, Shark Buddy(Kisame) was watching his companion with much confusion while roasting himself a marshmallow over their campfire. It was so quiet, not to say that Itachi ever really talked much, but it was obvious that something was bothering the traitorous Uchiha. Whatever was troubling his self-assured friend was beginning to weigh on Kisame's thoughts even more than Itachi's...

If that were possible -- and if not, then he was pretty damn close.

Regardless, it was time to act; Kisame stood from his seat on the ground and approached the other Akatsuki member. As soon as he realized Kisame's presence, Itachi glanced back at the shark-faced man and his frown deepened. This puzzled the blue guy even more than his behavior before.

"Kisame..." Itachi suddenly spoke, with a kind of curiousity that was unknown to the wielder of Samehada. Kisame blinked as he seated himself beside the darker haired man.

"What is it, Itachi-san?" Kisame asked, and Itachi looked almost hurt at the sound of 'san' rather than 'chan'. He wasn't certain why -- after all, Kisame had always called him Itachi-san... hadn't he? "What is troubling you?"

Itachi dipped his head a bit lower to hide his face. "Kisame, what... do you know about karma?" he asked suddenly. Kisame's eyes went wide as saucers.

"Eh, what?"

"Well, you know that it's my birthday tomorrow--"

"Yes, yes, I have a surprise planned for you." Kisame inserted with a proud smile. Itachi's expression just sank further as did the decibal of his voice.

"About that... it feels like I've just had a birthday -- perhaps it's just Deja vu, but it just... feels strange; like something is going to happen tomorrow. Something I have no power over."

Kisame was stunned; he'd never heard Itachi say he had no power over something before. Itachi, if nothing else, was kind of a control freak(which it still amazed Kisame that he continued to take orders from the Akatsuki Leader). Heck, the shark correlated Akatsuki member hardly got to play the leading role on their missions...

Itachi sighed lowly. "You're the only one I can talk to about this, Kisame -- so..."

"I see... well, in stories and stuff, karma is accumulated over time. The more good deeds you do, the more good karma you acheive -- the more bad deeds you do, the more bad karma you acheive. So, basically, if you're really, really mean than you will eventually be repayed in full for the crimes you've commited... Waitaminnut, is this really something for us, S-rank wanted criminals to be talking about?"

Itachi flinched as Kisame flicked an eyebrow. He had a bad feeling, just a bad, bad feeling...

-----

"So, Tsunade-shishou, have there been any new leads yet?" Sakura asked as she studied Tsunade's expression carefully; the older woman ruffled through some paperwork.

"Well, not on Uchiha Sasuke, but we do have a lead on Uchiha Itachi--"

"What is it?" Sakura interrupted, a fiery gleam back in her once depressed emerald eyes. Maybe, if Itachi were to be dealt with, Sasuke would return to Konoha of his own will! At that thought, Sakura's heart swelled with immense joy. So, based on that recent failure with Woody and The Faggot Warrior(Yamato and Sai respectively) when they faced Sasuke at Oreo's(Orochimaru's) hide-out, they couldn't take Sasuke back with mere force alone.

Then, maybe, if they could help Sasuke finish his goal before Orochimaru decided to become one with him(no pun intended), it was possible that Sasuke would agree when asked to return to Konoha with them. That one shred of hope was enough for our pink haired medical kunoichi to hang on to...

Boobs(Tsunade) raised her head at the enthusiasm in Sakura's tone. "Well, if that's the way you feel... take this. It's the details of a mission I was originally intending to assign to higher ranking shinobi -- if you want it, it's yours." Tsunade stated, pitching a scroll to her student. Catching it, Sakura looked at Tsunade determinedly as she put it away.

"You are to investigate that lead; there's a rumor that Itachi will be there tomorrow, so I want you and any two other ninja to track it down and see if there's any truth to it." Tsunade said with a quick smile and a wave to dismiss the younger female. Sakura bowed her head quickly and hurried out the door to find her a couple of teammates...

-----

Sasuke closed his obsidian eyes as he knelt down on top of a tree branch. He was on his way to investigate rumors of Itachi sightings just outside the Hinokuni's border, and Orochimaru had _kindly permitted_ him to go(which basically meant that Sasuke had simply said he was going and left).

Tomorrow was his brother's birthday, he wouldn't soon forget. What a perfect time to end it -- he would exact his revenge tomorrow. He subconsciously began to move slightly quicker at that thought; it wasn't much farther.

Now, he could only hope that those rumors proved true.

-----

It was 2 AM in the morning when Sakura arrived at her destination -- a small town that had previously been unknown just outside of the Hinokuni's border. Along beside her travelled her chosen team members: Neji and Shikamaru.

One may have asked her why she didn't bring Naruto or Kakashi -- well, the answer was really simple. Kakashi was still recuperating, and Naruto was training with Pervy(Jiraiya). Being the kind hearted kunoichi she was, Sakura hadn't wanted to intervene with Kakashi's recovery nor did she want to interrupt Naruto's training.

And so, there they were.

Frowning slightly, Sakura began casting glances around herself at the people and buildings in this village. There was no sign of Itachi, but that didn't cause her to lose hope. After all, he wouldn't just be out in the open -- right?

As she pushed forward, Neji and Shikamaru followed behind her with the occasional utterance of just how troublesome this mission was coming from Shikamaru. Neji, on the other hand, was remarkably patient and just waiting to meet this legendary Uchiha that the Uchiha boy he'd wanted to fight desired so desperately to kill.

Also, he wanted to determine whether or not Sasuke's goal was fathomable -- because, from what he'd heard about how strong Itachi was, it wasn't.

However, it was also a fact that no one was immune to fatigue, and all three were indeed growing quite tired from the long journey they had made without stopping to rest. So, it was Shikamaru to speak up.

"Oi, shouldn't we stop for the night and look tomorrow?" the troubled Chuunin asked, drawing Sakura's inquiring gaze back towards him. She seemed reluctant at first, but upon realizing just how tired she was getting to be, she relented.

"All right, we'll find a hotel for tonight and search for Itachi first thing in the morning." So it was decided -- luckily, the hotel was easy to find...

And it was the only one in town.

-----

"Are you sure about this?" Itachi asked, drawing Kisame's attention. Kisame was wearing a rather positive smile as they stepped into town.

"Of course; we're going to relax here tomorrow. I want you to just take it easy and relieve a little of that stress that's been building up, okay? Consider it my birthday present to you!" Kisame stated. Itachi was still less than enthralled about this whole thing.

A day of rest and relaxation? Relieve stress? Who did Kisame think he was? Itachi restrained a depressed sigh; seriously, something still didn't feel right -- something didn't feel right at all...

Especially as Kisame pointed to the only hotel in the village.

-----

Sasuke smirked faintly as he stopped in the village, casting a quick glance in each direction. Itachi was here, he could just feel it. Clenching his hands into tight fists, Sasuke narrowed his eyes. The day had finally arrived, revenge would be his.

For today was June 09th -- Itachi's birthday.

-----

The next morning, Itachi had just left the hotel when Kisame woke up, realizing he'd slept in. After searching around for his beloved companion for a few minutes, he grabbed his stuff and rushed out the door and began running blindly down the hall...

... just to crash into someone on his way.

Kisame fell back onto his backside just as the other person did, causing him to groan slightly at the bruise he knew was forming on his blue rump.

Glancing up, he caught sight of the one he'd hit... and he froze instantly.

Hyuuga Neji narrowed his white eyes in irritation as he glared at Kisame angrily. Kisame subconsciously flinched under his pressure; for some reason, though he didn't really know this boy at all, the sight of him caused Kisame to feel much dread indeed...

So, he quickly launched himself back into a standing position and took off in a frantic run to find his safety -- Itachi.

-----

And that's who he found... or so he thought. At first glance, from far away, he could have sworn it was his teammate -- however, when he approached close and shouted that familiar name, the target turned to him with a very cold look.

"Itachi-san!" Kisame had called but a moment ago.

"You're Itachi's sidekick." Sasuke recognized as he turned to the blue guy. Kisame raised his hands defensively as Sasuke began to step closer. "That means Itachi is closeby... Tell me, Shark Buddy, where is he?" he asked, and Kisame flinched.

_Dammit, what is wrong with my luck today?_ Kisame cursed under his breath, before glancing to each side and finally taking off in a dash to locate Itachi. He had to warn Itachi and they had to get out of there -- it was too soon for a showdown between the brothers, even Kisame knew that!

So off he ran.

Sasuke could only smirk slightly as he stuffed his hands in his pockets and began to slowly walk in the direction Kisame had darted...

-----

Meanwhile, at the hotsprings behind the hotel...

Itachi sighed as he dusted off his adorned swim shorts and lowered himself into the water; he had only recently learned how to swim. In fact, it had been very sudden, but for some reason one day he had just abruptly turned to Kisame and demanded that Kisame teach him to swim.

Of course, before, he had thought he had known how.

But, whatever.

As Itachi was relaxing, a rather lazy looking male sat down on the rock beside him and removed his shoes; he was obviously just preparing to take a swim. Itachi narrowed his Sharingan eyes slightly.

Shikamaru looked over at Itachi and squinted to make sure before rolling his eyes. No, it wasn't; there for a minute, he'd thought Sasuke had just been in the hotsprings beside him. However, he quickly realized it wasn't him -- he did resemble Sasuke an awful lot though...

It was then that it hit the lazy Chuunin.

They were here searching for Sasuke's brother... who was supposed to look a lot like Sasuke. Oh dear. Shikamaru frowned and sweatdropped. _How very troublesome..._

Shikamaru very, very quietly lifted himself from the rock and turned to walk casually back inside the hotel to find Sakura. After all, they had come to locate Itachi -- and he had found the target. But first, he had to locate a bathroom(so off to the information desk he went)...

-----

The day had progressed on quietly; while Sakura, Neji, and Shikamaru came up with plan after plan to kill Itachi from a distance, Kisame(who was still searching for Itachi) just kept on showing up at just the right time and foiling their plans without even knowing it. Maybe it was subconsciously, but it didn't matter. While all this was going on, Sasuke took his time in searching around the village for clues about his brother...

It was almost three hours later when Kisame found Itachi... unfortunately, so did Sasuke.

Sasuke narrowed his eyes from his seat on top of a building; below him, Itachi was getting lunch with Kisame. It was the perfect opportunity -- but how to attack? Sasuke had thought all along that he wasn't a match for Itachi, so how was he to combat the elder Uchiha?

Furrowing his eyebrows in thought, Sasuke began to run over the possibilities in his head. He could try using Chidori -- already tried it. He could shove him off a cliff -- no cliffs around. He could try throwing dirt in his eyes -- he'd be expecting it. He could blow him up -- wouldn't work. He could try to drown him -- no way. He could try to make him choke to death on that jelly doughnut he was eating(or more creatively, a pretzel) -- impossible. He could crack him over the head with an oversized mallet -- he doubted it. He could hire some ninja to come and assassinate him -- not vengeful enough. He could jump down and challenge him to a duel himself -- not likely...

"Sasuke-kun?"

Sasuke's eyes widened at the sound of a familiar voice behind him and he whirled his head around in time to see Sakura. His eyes widened as much as hers already were, especially when he glanced down and noticed the anvil that she was dragging behind her. A lightbulb went off in Sasuke's head.

That was it! An anvil! Not even Itachi could survive that!

"Sasuke-kun." Sakura mumbled again as she kneeled down beside him, "We... came here to kill Itachi -- are you...?"

Sasuke sighed lowly. "Yeah."

Sakura pulled her anvil closer. "Can I help?"

Sasuke blinked reluctantly. "Huh?"

"Can I help you kill Itachi? I did promise I would help you with your revenge..." she murmured, poking her index fingers together. Sasuke seemed to think about it for a minute.

"Can I borrow the anvil?" he asked.

Sakura smiled happily. "You got it!"

It was on.

-----

After carefully tying a neat red ribbon around the anvil, Sasuke attached a small explosive tag to it and smirked maliciously as he signed it like a normal one(with the simple words _"Love Sasuke_"). The greatest birthday present, this was it! Just what he'd been trying to think of... Sakura waited patiently as Sasuke pushed the anvil onto the ledge of the building and prepared to shove it off onto his brother's head at just the right moment...

When Neji walked up from behind and said, "Hey, Uchiha, is that you?" he asked, alerting both Sasuke and Sakura and causing Sasuke to push the anvil off accidentally. He stretched his arms out after it, but it was already too late.

As the anvil fell, Kisame jumped between it and Itachi by about an inch, screaming out toward the impending object, "NO, ITACHI-CHAN MUST LIIIVVVEEE!"

Splat.

And that was the last thing Kisame heard as the two ton object somehow collided with both he and his companion, knocking them both to the ground and killing them instantly...

... and then the tag exploded, blowing up the food stand.

Sasuke averted his eyes as Neji blinked, confused as to what he had caused. Sakura turned to the dark brown haired Hyuuga to explain the situation, but Neji realized the minute he looked down and seen Kisame sprawled on top of Itachi with an anvil planted on his back.

He shrugged. "Can we... go home now?" he asked. Sasuke and Sakura exchanged a confused look and blinked as Shikamaru walked by below with his hands stuffed in his pockets. He paused briefly and looked at the pile of rubble that once was a food stand before breathing a depressed sigh -- when he'd asked for a bathroom, he'd found out that they were all out of order except for the one behind the food stand(and he had been seeking one of those glorious objects all day). Unfortunately, there it lay in the rubble with the random foods...

"How troublesome."

-----

As Sakura, Sasuke, Neji, and Shikamaru walked off back towards Konoha, Sasuke glanced back over his shoulder one last time, a serious frown on his face. It was over, Itachi had been killed and the Uchiha clan had been avenged. All thanks to... Neji, who had caused him to drop the anvil off at just the right time to take out Itachi and his shark faced sidekick...

And, that night, as they disappeared into the main gate of Konoha village to find out Sasuke's fate from Tsunade, Sasuke smiled...

"Happy birthday, Onii-san."

-----

Meanwhile, back at Orochimaru's new hideout...

Orochimaru gripped his head angrily as Specs(Kabuto) adjusted his glasses. The dark haired member of the legendary Sannin finally gave up and screamed into the night...

"SASUKE-KUN, WHERE ARE YOU?"

---------- **Owari: The End** ----------_  
_

_**Note:** I elected to make this one a lot longer than the others since it is the tenth Omake; also, there will be an Editorial every ten Omakes from now until I cancel production of this series(which could be weeks, or_ _even years). The Intro Song, Itachi Must Die!, was written by me(I hope you guys liked it!). And one more thing: if you liked one or more of the couples mentioned in the Editorial and saw my comments as 'insulting', please pay no attention --_ _it's just for humor. Thanks to all my readers(Yes, that includes the flamers !)! _

**Disclaimer & Copyright Information:** I do not own Naruto (© Kishimoto Masashi); however, I am the author of this story. If you have comments or suggestions, leave a review or send me an e-mail. Doumo arigatou, for reading my writing!


	11. Omake 11: The Unanswerable Question

_**Itachi Must Die!...** A series of short stories involving swift, nonsensical demises for Uchiha Itachi under completely ridiculous and even retarded circumstances. Occasional Sasuke+Sakura.  
_

---------- **Omake 11: The Unanswerable Question** ----------

It had been a long day, and another showdown between Itachi and Sasuke. Even after all the harsh training he had endured over the past three years, the younger Uchiha still was unable to attain the vengeance he sought so desperately.

As Sasuke lay beaten on the ground wallowing in self despair and Sakura was trying to tug herself free from the chakra net she'd been caught in to help him, Kisame was busy congratulating his longtime companion.

"Itachi-san is the best, you didn't even have to break a sweat!" he stated, causing Itachi's head to grow a couple centimeters. Kisame smiled and patted him once on the back. "That's my Itachi-san, always proving you can effortlessly blow away the competition!" he continued.

Sasuke clenched his teeth slightly when he noticed the seemingly growing air of pride on Itachi's face. The arrogant bastard had nothing to be proud of -- he was just a murderer, after all. Just a murderer.

Just a murderer.

Soon enough, Itachi began to laugh dauntingly at his younger sibling. "Foolish little brother! No matter how many times you try, you will never defeat me! Do you want to know why that is?" he asked as he kneeled down in front of Sasuke's fallen body.

Sasuke squinted his eyes closed in failure as Itachi gripped a wad of the avenger's hair in one hand and jerked his head up to face him. "It's because you lack the supreme hatred you need in order to equal me! You lack the Mangekyou Sharingan!"

Kisame scratched his head nearby. "But, Itachi-san, you died in every Omake thus far," he reminded, a dumbfounded expression visible on his blue face. Itachi paled.

Nearby, Neji grimaced from his hiding place in a bush and muttered, "Fourth Wall." Yes, the Fourth Wall. The most deadly existence to the Fan Fiction world and to the mind of an Author of such stories.

Regardless, Sasuke frowned deeply; he, at least, needed to stick to the script. Was that all he would ever be? Uchiha Itachi's foolish little brother -- nothing but a shadow of his own sibling. Doomed to bask in the loneliness of... well, being alone. Was that truly the only thing he could be?

Noticing the look of helplessness on Sasuke's face, Itachi then began to gloat, "Why are you looking that way? Are you afraid of me?" he asked, exhibiting his superiority over the obsidian eyed boy. "How dare you think you can defeat me, how dare you believe my existence would end?"

Kisame laughed loudly behind them, tapping Samehada against his shoulder. "Itachi-san is special, no one can kill him! Itachi-san can't die, Itachi-san is invincible!" he said, between guffaws.

Sasuke reopened his eyes and looked up at Itachi coldly to see that look again. He had an idea, and he was willing to try anything at the time. Besides, he had nothing to lose, and it was so simple it just might work!

Lowering his head so that his bangs shaded his eyes, Sasuke frowned a bit. "Hey, Nii-san," he said to get Itachi's attention. Itachi blinked once in surprise; he had to admit that the boy sounded surprisingly calm. Maybe what he had left of his marbles had all rolled away?

"There's something I've been meaning to ask you ever since I was a kid." Sasuke mumbled, making Itachi's curiosity pique. He'd never known of his little brother possessing unasked/unanswered questions. He had to admit that he was caught off guard a bit by that one... "The reason I haven't is because... I never thought you could answer it."

"Go on, spit it out." Itachi frowned as the tiniest of smirks formed on Sasuke's lips, followed by his terse query.

"Which came first? The chicken... or the egg?"

"What?" Itachi's eyes widened a little as the simple question began to echo inside his psychotic megalomaniacal mind. "... Which... came... first?" he asked as if in disbelief. Sasuke's grin widened a bit at the reaction.

"That's right -- so, which came first?" he inquired again. Itachi's mind began swirling as he released Sasuke's hair and fell back onto his rump. He felt his head throbbing next as he reached up a clutched it between his hands.

Which came first?

It was such a simple question, but it was impossible to answer.

No one, not even the great and omnipotent Uchiha Itachi himself could answer such a question -- he would've had to have existed from the beginning of time itself. He would've had to have witnessed the event firsthand...

The chicken... or the egg.

Itachi's head just began to swell as he tried to sort out his thoughts for a suitable answer or at least a retort, but none came. Sasuke watched and waited as Kisame raised his hands toward Itachi in concern.

"Itachi-san, Itachi-san!" he called, but there was only one thought racing back and forth in the Uchiha's brain. Over and over, again and again, two words... He was so confounded by this single, tiny question that his head continued to well up with confusion, his brain screaming and swelling...

... Until his head exploded.

Kisame screamed like a schoolgirl as Itachi's now headless body fell over, dead. Tears swam in the shark man's eyes as he fell to his knees and grabbed a stick to begin poking his one true friend in the side with it.

"Itachi-chan?" he asked carefully, his mind suddenly making him say chan rather than san. Upon receiving no answer but the sound of the wind blowing, Kisame broke down into tears as he pounded his fists into the ground by Itachi's dead body. "Itachi-chan!" he wailed, his heartbeat growing erratic.

As Neji rushed in to deliver the final blow to the blue guy, he stopped in his tracks when he realized it, without a doubt...

Because, when Kisame's tears began to slow down, he broke out into complete and utter psychotic laughter, raising his arms to the sky like he was trying to summon the powers that be(or evil little shark minions of evil, either way), his laugh growing louder and louder with each passing minute...

... Until the sound of an alarm dinging nearby caused him to shut up entirely before falling over, dead as could be.

Neji widened his eyes in disbelief as Sasuke pulled himself to his feet, draping an arm over his abdomen where it still hurt. Sakura stared up incredulously as the chakra net fell down to her sides uselessly, having no one to hold it together anymore since both Itachi and Kisame had died.

All eyes then wandered over to the origin from which the alarm had sounded to see a fourth, previously unnoticed, person as he readied his chopsticks. Neji and Sasuke exchanged confused glances before looking back over one more time to be certain.

Naruto smiled widely as he grabbed his cup of ramen and cried, "Itadakimasu!" before digging in...

---------- **Owari: The End** ----------_  
_

_**Note:** I'm not sure where this one came from, probably due to horrible, terrible Writer's Block. It is nonsensical, but that's what these Omakes are all about, right? Thanks for reading! _

**Disclaimer & Copyright Information:** I do not own Naruto (© Kishimoto Masashi); however, I am the author of this story. If you have comments or suggestions, leave a review or send me an e-mail. Doumo arigatou, for reading my writing!


	12. Omake 12: The Key to Killing Itachi

_**Itachi Must Die!...** A series of short stories involving swift, nonsensical demises for Uchiha Itachi under completely ridiculous and even retarded circumstances. Occasional Sasuke+Sakura.  
_

---------- **Omake 12: The Key to Killing Itachi** ----------

The atmosphere was increasingly heavy and the air was thick with anticipation... Itachi had been just leaving the Akatsuki headquarters with Kisame close in tow to take a nice evening stroll(or, go on a mission, rather), when a familiar dark haired boy had suddenly intercepted their path.

Sasuke was staring at his big brother intently, his hands fisted so tightly his knuckles were turning white. His expression darkened and he frowned negatively, his massive killing intent bellowing out around him like heavy waves.

He bit down slightly on the inside of his bottom lip as he recalled something Kakashi had told him... yesterday, yes yesterday, his eyes shutting only briefly...

_"You can't succeed using hatred... Only love,"_ he'd prophesized, while gazing up at the pale morning sky. It had really caught Sasuke off guard to hear such a thing from his ninja instructer, but at this point he was willing to try anything...

Itachi frowned bitterly as Sasuke finally began to speak. "Today is the day... I'll kill you and avenge the clan," he foretold, eyebrows knitting together seriously. "I've thought about it and thought about it... until, finally, I have developed the perfect method."

Itachi seemed nothing more than mildly intrigued by this, flicking an eyebrow in curiosity. "And what, may I ask, is that, foolish little brother?" he inquired, as a hefty breeze stirred uneasily.

"You're about to find out," Sasuke replied casually; his face hardened as he narrowed his eyes further and prepared himself. Minutes seemed like hours as he waited for what seemed like forever, before finally pushing off in a dash at the elder Uchiha...

Itachi braced himself quietly in preparation, waiting to counter whatever attack his foolish little brother had in store. However, he was caught off guard completely when the little brother he'd known who'd spent the last several years living only to kill him...

Threw his arms around Itachi in a great big glomp.

Itachi paled and froze instantly, his Sharingan eyes nearly popping out of his head in surprise. Kisame's jaw dropped nearby, and Sasuke only smiled.

"Itachi nii-chan!" he cried, seeming to have reverted into who he was all those years ago, "I love you, big brother!"

That was it.

As Sasuke was smiling and hugging Itachi, Itachi's heart abruptly stopped beating, his eyes rolled back in his head and his tongue hung out of his mouth. Releasing his brother quietly, Sasuke watched as Itachi flopped lifelessly onto the ground.

Dusting off his shorts, Sasuke then breathed a low sigh before raising his right thumb and smirking slightly; his teeth seemed to gleam as he proclaimed readily, "Success!"

Nearby, Kisame staggered around for a minute having seemingly been hit by something, before his poor old heart finally gave out and he fell back onto the ground, his head bashing against a rock on the way down.

Behind him, Kakashi stood with his left hand raised as though he had struck someone, his nose in the latest Icha Icha. He glanced up and curled his eye into a smile before stuffing his free hand into his pocket and turning to wander off back toward Konoha.

Sasuke blinked once, before shrugging and turning to walk back home with his Jounin sensei.

---------- **Owari: The End** ----------_  
_

_**Credit:** This one was inspired by my friend Sprite(Puppy444219) who showed me this hilarious picture depicting a rather odd death for Itachi(Sasuke glomping him). Arigatou, and I hope you like it! _

**Disclaimer & Copyright Information:** I do not own Naruto (© Kishimoto Masashi); however, I am the author of this story. If you have comments or suggestions, leave a review or send me an e-mail. Doumo arigatou, for reading my writing!


	13. Omake 13: The Randomness of It All

_**Itachi Must Die!...** A series of short stories involving swift, nonsensical demises for Uchiha Itachi under completely ridiculous and even retarded circumstances. Occasional Sasuke+Sakura._

---------- **Omake 13: The Randomness Of It All** ----------

For the umpteenth time in this Omake Series, Itachi and Sasuke were facing off in front of Konoha. Sasuke's expression bore much hatred indeed toward his elder brother, while Itachi was just staring back at him dismissively. Yes indeed, it was just like every other showdown between them.

Strangely, Kisame was nowhere to be seen. He was always present for Itachi's rumbles since they were partners and all, but not this time. Why? Because he was busy running from the locals, who were all brandishing brooms and shouting rather rude insults at the shark faced Akatsuki member.

So Itachi and Sasuke were all alone.

Charging forward, Sasuke pulled out a kunai and slashed at Itachi with it; unfortunately, Itachi blocked his attack with a kunai of his own! So, the younger Uchiha pulled back and tried some random kind of kick before back stepping and throwing his kunai. Quite nonchalantly, the traitorous weasel caught his projectile and tossed it back at him along with his own. Sasuke jumped back twice, allowing the kunai to hit the ground.

Yes, this was the most horribly simplistic fight in the Naruto universe.

It was then that Sasuke's eyes caught sight of something strange behind Itachi -- not just strange, but deranged too. It looked like a whole army of... evil alien penguins with glowing red eyes. Sasuke blinked as Itachi rather sluggishly turned his head to see them. He narrowed his eyes, curled his lips very slowly into a frown, his hand began shaking, he dropped his own kunai...

... and started running like hell.

Sasuke resisted the urge to snicker; Itachi had always had a strange phobia of penguins -- but where had they come from? Had someone brought them? Sasuke began to become dizzy as Itachi ran around in circles with the penguins firing laser blasts out of their eyes at him, only managing to hit dirt or air. Smoke floated up from the ground, trees, or other misfortunate things that were hit by their ultra high powered supersonic rays, but Itachi miraculously avoided it every time...

... Until Shikamaru walked by. Having just finished a banana that he'd been eating, he shrugged carelessly and tossed the peel aside. Conveniently enough, it landed right in Itachi's direct path. Itachi, who had been running at ultra high speeds to avoid the ultra high powered supersonic lasers, couldn't stop in time. His foot hit the banana peel, he hit the ground, and the penguin's lasers hit him.

Itachi had been fried.

Sasuke raised an eyebrow as the evil alien laser eyed penguins followed their leader(a very ugly Predator reject with long red dreadlocks and oddly colored skin) and boarded their mother ship to fly off back into the sky from whence they had apparently came. Sasuke straightened his posture and dusted off his pants before grabbing his kunai and slipping it back into his pouch. He frowned slightly and mulled over the past several minutes for a little while. He wasn't really sure what had happened, but there wasn't really much sense in wasting all day thinking about it. So, stuffing his hands in his pockets, he turned to walk back into Konoha to... ask Sakura out or something.

Shikamaru looked down at the smoldering pile of ashes that once was the godlike Uchiha Itachi and blinked a couple of times. Yawning then, he headed back into Konoha as well. Lee had challenged him to a Shougi match and he had to get over to some training ground or another where the mythical contest would be held so he could win...

"How very troublesome..."

-----

Meanwhile, Kisame was attacked by a blonde haired elf wearing green armor and brandishing a sword. When Kisame fell over dead, a kid with hair of miscellaneous colors behind the elf dude scratched his head slightly and sweatdropped.

"Oops, that wasn't a Duel Monster..."

---------- **Owari: The End** ----------_  
_

_**Note:** Well, that was random. By the way, the guy with red dreadlocks was Fuuma Kotaro from Samurai Warriors 2, and the last part of the Omake was a Yu-Gi-Oh! reference, for those who couldn't tell(Celtic Guardian is my favorite Duel Monster). I know that it was short(I figured it would be better short than no Omake at all, right?). Anyway, I want to apologize for the lack of updates lately -- I've been having a massive case of Writer's Block and I just finished my fifty chapter Original Fiction. Well, thanks for reading and you know what to do! _

**Credit:** Credit goes to Athena Solaris for suggesting the banana peel as well as the laser-eyed penguins. This is for you, hope you like it!

**Disclaimer & Copyright Information:** I do not own Naruto (© Kishimoto Masashi); however, I am the author of this story. If you have comments or suggestions, leave a review or send me an e-mail. Doumo arigatou, for reading my writing!


	14. Omake 14: Itachi's Worst Nightmare

_**Itachi Must Die!...** A series of short stories involving swift, nonsensical demises for Uchiha Itachi under completely ridiculous and even retarded circumstances. Occasional Sasuke+Sakura._

---------- **Omake 14: Itachi's Worst Nightmare** ----------

Itachi stood in front of a vivid pink background with a smug smirk tugging at his lips. Around him, literally millions of fangirls swooned at the mere sight of the almighty Uchiha... that is until the great Hyuuga Neji appeared in a spotlight several feet away.

The background faded to an dreary brown color when Neji smirked, a mystical gleam shining off of his pearly whites(teeth, not eyes, though they twinkled a bit as well). Itachi frowned a small frown and muttered a slight, "Uh oh," as his own fangirls trampled over him to run to Neji, leaving the omnipotent weasel with only a few fanboys.

Raising up just a bit and reaching out toward his traitorous fans, Itachi let out a strangled scream just before a horde of rabid kangaroos trampled him in similar fashion to the way the fangirls had just seconds ago...

"Aahh!" screamed Itachi as the evil scenery poured away like chocolate milk, leaving him on his bed in a small cabin several miles from civilization. He waited a minute for his breathing to calm and allowed himself to relax.

"It was only a dream..." he muttered quietly.

Only then did Neji abruptly walk by the window, casting a rather mild glance Itachi's way. "Don't be so sure," the Hyuuga prodigy stated before continuing to walk. Itachi's eyes widened slightly as Kisame walked off behind Neji, not even sparing the Uchiha a glance.

"Aahh!" screamed Itachi once more as the scene again fell around him. He jolted up into a sitting position as he awoke in a cold sweat, his mind working to reassure him that it was, again, only a nightmare.

So, desperate to make the dreadful thoughts go away for the evening, Itachi resolved to do the one thing that could make him feel better -- soak in the bathtub.

-----

"Are you sure this is really going to work?" Sasuke asked as Sakura put the final touches on his costume before stepping back away from him to admire her hard work. The raven haired Uchiha frowned slightly as he glanced down at his outfit(still not revealed to the readers). He breathed a low sigh and turned to the little cabin as lightning struck in the distance and thunder roared in the background.

Yes, it was a dramatic setting. No, it's not a dramatic Omake.

"The Genjutsu is in place?" Sasuke double checked, and Sakura smiled to inform him that it was. He straightened his attire and walked quietly inside as Sakura rushed over to the window to watch what was going on inside...

-----

Itachi breathed a relaxed sigh as he leaned back in the warm water; this was exactly what he needed to take his mind off of those terrible nightmares. As if that Hyuuga boy could ever take his fangirls -- as if Kisame would ever abandon him. He scoffed at the thought.

The room suddenly went dark as the electricity went out. Itachi rose up suddenly and began looking around, the thunder storm still jeering at him from outside. He shrugged a little and continued to enjoy his bath, though just a bit edgy now. He wasn't afraid of the dark or anything, so he would ignore it and go to bed when he was finished...

Or not.

"Itachi... Uchiha," a voice came -- an unfamiliar voice. But why had his surname been said after his name? Itachi felt a chill suddenly as he began looking around for the origin of the icy voice. He saw nothing until Sasuke appeared before him out of absolutely nowhere, shaping the hand seals of his ougi move -- Chidori, or that's what Itachi thought.

"Sasuke's special technique!" Sasuke called, as if he were talking in the third person. That was odd -- why was he speaking in English(though everything in this stupid Omake was written in English, since the author isn't fluid enough in Japanese to write many different sentences)? Wait a minute...

It couldn't be...

It shouldn't be...

It wasn't...

"OH NO! I'M TRAPPED IN THE DUB WORLD!" Itachi screamed before cupping his hands over his mouth. He had spoken with his Dub VA as well! It wasn't possible, this couldn't be happening...

"Go get 'im Sasuke! Chaaaa!" Sakura Haruno called, suddenly appearing behind the dubilated Uchiha boy. Naruto Uzumaki popped up suddenly, thrusting an arm into the air.

"Yeah, what Sakura said! And if you can't finish 'im, I'll be sure to hit 'im with my Shadow Clone Jutsu! Believe it!" the dubilated blonde nitwit shouted. The rest of the Naruto cast seemed to appear then. Kakashi Hatake luckily remained silent and just continued to read his 'Make-Out Paradise' book.

Might Guy flashed a good guy pose before saying, "Wanna have an intense _man battle_ with me?" Itachi shivered when the _guy_ seemed to magically move closer. Neji Hyuga dropped into his Gentle Fist stance.

"You are in the zone of my 8 Trigrams! I will smite you with my 64 Palms!" he said in an unusually light voice for the Hyuuga boy. Itachi wanted to rip his own perfect ears off at all the horror, but refrained and just inched back in his tub.

"But not before I laugh at you -- ha, ha, ha." Shikamaru Nara pointed a finger at Itachi and laughed; he actually sounded amused... and a little high. How very wrong. Itachi mentally winced each time they spoke, being sure not to speak himself.

Suddenly, Kisame Hoshigaki poofed in and looked around before dropping his gaze to the floor. Itachi blinked once and looked at him somewhat strangely before Kakashi pointed at Kisame and finally spoke as well.

"He can't speak 'cause his Dub VA hasn't been casted yet," he went ahead and broke the fourth wall to say. Sasuke coughed into his free hand to get everyone's collective attention.

"Finally -- I can finally destroy you, Itachi Uchiha!" Sasuke Uchiha called, having _finally_ finished charging up his attack before running at Itachi with Chidori... er, _Sasuke's Special Technique_ charged up...

The whole image shattered and Itachi gasped as he rose up out of the tub, having nearly drowned to death. His eyes snapped open and he shook his head to assure himself he was awake. Sasuke and the others were gone, and he was once again alone in the dark room -- right after the electricity outage, he had apparently drifted off again. He sighed in relief. What was causing all of these nightmares suddenly?

"Uchiha Itachi..." a voice called eerily, reminding Itachi of what had happened moments ago. He yawned and leaned back in the tub, not frightened in the least. It was just going to be another nightmare, there was no point letting it bother him. He cracked his Sharingan eyes open to see a person standing a few feet from his tub in a long black cloak, a hood covering the unknown man's face.

Itachi would have chuckled, but didn't want to ruin his image and asked, "Who are you?"

The mysterious person was very evil looking indeed with his completely black outfit and hood -- especially with the way the lightning flashed in the dark room once in a while, giving it horror movie style presentation. Itachi sighed as he waited for an answer, his eyes slowly dropping to the object the man held under one arm.

It looked like... a toaster.

Itachi raised an eyebrow as the figure raised his arm to very slowly push his hood back. Sasuke stared down at Itachi eerily coldly as he prepared to speak, Itachi eagerly awaiting this little dream's plot.

"Finally, I can kill you and take vengeance for our clan..." Sasuke said overdramatically, his eyes darkening as he raised the toaster up a bit. Itachi's eyes widened a little as the spiky haired teenager sent a wave of chakra surging through the device before dropping it into the bathtub. Even though it wasn't plugged up and there was no electricity, the surge of chakra brought the desired effect anyway and in mere seconds, Itachi was fried.

Sasuke seemed to think for a second before dusting off his cloak and clapping his hands. Sakura abruptly came running in, threw both of her arms around one of his, and they walked silently out of the door in quiet...

Itachi had let his guard down at the worst possible time. Seriously though, neither Sasuke nor Sakura had any idea where the other dreams had come from -- the pink haired kunoichi had only set up their Genjutsu for one dream. Curious.

-----

Explanation #1 (Explanation for Dream #2)...

Meanwhile, Neji continued walking further and further away from Itachi's cabin, before stopping a good distance away and turning to look at Kisame, yes Kisame, rather eerily indeed. He raised a kunai up in preparation to kill the shark correlated Akatsuki member with one stroke, but was stopped when Kisame laughed a little nervously.

"Yeah, I know," he chaffed before whipping out a double barrel shotgun and aiming it at his own head.

**_Kaboom!_**

Neji very quickly used Kaiten to protect himself from being dirtied by the... green... blood and debris that came from Kisame's now headless shoulders. "Tsk." Neji muttered before turning to walk back to Konoha in silence; that had been just a tiny bit easier than he'd expected... or had he been expecting it?

-----

Explanation #2 (Explanation for Dream #3)...

Kakashi smiled under his mask as he sat the appropriate amount of money in a certain braid wearing ninja's palm before patting him on the shoulder. Shugou split it perfectly evenly in about two seconds flat before pitching half of the payment to his partner. Toramaru raised an arm to catch it rather effortlessly before sliding it into a pocket and disappearing into the shadows.

"Good job, but I've gotta confirm. The Akatsuki?" Kakashi inquired.

"Gone." Shugou replied.

Kakashi raised a finger with each inquiry as if he were counting. "Orochimaru?"

"Gone."

"Yakushi Kabuto?"

"Gone."

"Uchiha Itachi?"

A tiny smirk tugged at one corner of Shugou's lips. "Gone."

Kakashi breathed a sigh before flipping his Icha Icha back open and turning to walk back into the village. Shugou watched him leave before raising his hands in front of himself. Actually, neither he nor Toramaru had killed Itachi this time -- but he supposed they had contributed. What, with Toramaru having eliminated the electrical wire and Shugou himself having cemented Sakura's Genjutsu with his own and all.

He formed a couple of hand seals before disappearing as if he had never been there...

And he probably hadn't.

---------- **Owari: The End** ----------_  
_

_**Note:** Wow. That was... odd. Oh well, it was longer than the last one(Oo). By the way, I know that 'dubilated' isn't a real word, which is why I invented it for this story; you can probably figure out what it means. This kind of just came to me based on several of my readers' suggestions(as listed below). _

**Credit:** Credit goes to RaeDragongirl for the kangaroos, Katara Uchiha for the fangirls(though they were Neji's instead of Sasuke's ;;), and kittydemon18 for the toaster. Hope you guys liked it!

**Those OCs:** As usual, Karite Shugou is an original character created and copyrighted by me(For those of you who may be interested, Shugou is the main character of an Original Fiction I finally finished called The Two Sides of Chaos. A link to it can be found on my Profile Page.). Also, Gouma Toramaru was created and copyrighted by my brother, Armor King(Toramaru is also the main character of an Original Fiction, which can be found by going to his profile page.).

**Disclaimer & Copyright Information:** I do not own Naruto (© Kishimoto Masashi); however, I am the author of this story. If you have comments or suggestions, leave a review or send me an e-mail. Doumo arigatou, for reading my writing!


	15. Omake 15: The Story So Far! Kind Of

_**Itachi Must Die!...** A series of short stories involving swift, nonsensical demises for Uchiha Itachi under completely ridiculous and even retarded circumstances. Occasional Sasuke+Sakura._

---------- **Omake 15: The Story So Far! (Kind Of)** ----------

Curtains drew back to reveal a darkened stage with several shadowy figures lined across it. Eventually, lights flooded it to show the identity of the performers.

Orochimaru stepped up and took a microphone.

"_Weeeeellllll,_" he broke into song as the music began, a mellow spotlight centering on him, "_Since I wasn't introduced 'til Season Two, I'm proba-bly not the veeeeeryyy bessssst to te-ell you how it begaaaaan!_"

Next, Naruto bounded up and merrily grabbed another mike. "_But soon enough, we'll tell the truuuuuth to all you loyal faaaaans!_" he added before dropping the microphone and grabbing some conveniently placed ramen.

Kisame, the drummer, leaned in to his own mike, "_Itachi-chan was so perfect, he sure did cause it aaaaallll!_"

Itachi flashed his Mangekyou as the spotlight turned to him, "_And while I killed that lousy clan, you know I had a baaaaallll!_"

Next, Kakashi appeared with his nose in Icha Icha, a mike lifted up inside it. "_Sasuke wanted to kill his brother so bad he sold his soul!_"

Kabuto stepped up next. "_So he could join Orochimaru-sama and I, living in a bowl!_" To this, Orochimaru promptly slapped Kabuto over the head, while Kabuto muttered something about unfit living quarters and poor benefits.

None other than Hyuuga Neji took the spotlight next. "_So Shikamaru, Naruto, Kiba, Chouji, and I dispatched on a mission,_" he began singing lowly, "_To get that Uchiha fool back, but the mook just wouldn't listen!_"

The light shifted to Sakura. "_I begged that nitwit Naruto to save Sasuke-kun from **him**,_" she sang, indicating Orochimaru who seemed offended, "_but I should have known better than to rely, oh what a fool I was back then!_"

Tenten pulled her mike out of thin air. "_If that Sasuke had just stopped, Neji wouldn't have been so hurt,_" she added in a mellow tune, "_Now I'm mad but since I have no story, I'm not allowed to throw much dirt..._"

Itachi was back again; amazingly, he seemed to enjoy this very much. "_And it's all my fault, I did it all! Now the manga sucks because of it; I don't feel sad, but they sure seem mad. Yes, I think I've finally had it!_"

Shoving Itachi to one side to take his place in the spotlight, Sasuke grabbed a mike. "_I was weak so I joined the snake guy to get stronger, then I ditched him because I couldn't bare to stay any longer,_" he paused for the music, before turning to look at Itachi, "_And after this song is over, I'm gonna rip nii-san appart. Yes, and if he tries to run away, I swear I'll grill the shark,_" he sang, making Kisame swallow nervously.

Speaking of Kisame, it was his turn again. "_B--But Itachi-san's invincible! There's no way you can succeed!_"

Sasuke narrowed his eyes in annoyance. "_If you don't shut up, I'll kick your blue ass so hard you'll **fly** back to the sea!_" he warned, causing Kisame to begin poking his fingers together silently.

Neji intervened with another verse, "_We've all tried so hard to bring the idiot home; but all he ever does is act like he's alone! Now I'm starting to get angry, when I really never cared. 'Cause I've not had a single part in any recent chapters aired!_"

Finally, Sai excitedly grabbed a microphone to sing his own part. "_I'm a traitor too, ya know, just not the same kind!_" he sang, before glancing over at his fellow singers and getting completely off track, "_For a while, I wondered just who Itachi was, and now I gotta say he's fine!_"

Itachi raised an eyebrow while Kisame turned green with envy. Sasuke just slapped his forehead; everyone seemed confused, and the writer of the song flipped through the cue cards trying to figure out what Sai was going on with.

Meanwhile...

Two of the people in the audience sat with popcorn and sodas, watching in mild disinterest. One of them spared a glance at the other, and breathed a low sigh. "Want to trade out this time?" he inquired. The other seemed to think about that for a minute.

"Sure. Let us call it _Take 2_."

Back on the stage, Orochimaru sat down on a stool to continue the song. "_Oh, I should've known it wouldn't last; it once was just so great,_" he sang as he wiped away a tear, "_but I think it's time I said so long; I'm tired of getting payment late!_"

As he was about to grab his stool and hightail it out of there, Kakashi quickly planted Raikiri through his chest and Sakura stabbed Kabuto in the heart with a medical skalpel while he was distracted.

Itachi looked at Sasuke, "_I guess that just leaves you and I, my dearest little sibling._"

"_And I promise to make sure you fry. You, I will enjoy killing,_" answered Sasuke similarly in song before ditching the mike and charging his brother. Unfortunately for him, Itachi fell forward before he made it to him. A kunai could be seen planted firmly between Itachi's eyes as a figure with a long black ponytail disappeared out the door. Similarly, Kisame's head rolled across the stage as a second figure with a long braid exited behind the other one. Everyone exchanged confused glances as Sasuke kicked Itachi's downed body in disappointment.

Outside...

"The quality of shinobi has decreased since the last I did battle with," observed Toramaru as he and Shugou walked off down the street to meet Saiko and Hanako.

"That would be because I was the last one you fought; anyway though, I told you the guy was a pushover," he agreed with a shrug. Toramaru thought about that for a minute.

"No, you said he overestimated himself. You did not say by how much," he reminded. Shugou just blinked once as a long silence fell between the two shinobi.

"See you tomorrow."

"Indeed."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"We have to do it too, don't we?" Shugou asked, dreadfully. Toramaru closed his eyes as if in shame.

"Yes, or the author will not end this insanity," agreed Toramaru. Shugou coughed into one hand and Toramaru thanked himself for always wearing a mask to hide his face... Well, anyway, Shugou was the one to start while Toramaru prepared to follow up.

"_That was about as boring as slicing fresh baked bread._"

"_It is a shame that such an idiot just simply cannot stay dead._"

"_But, that ends this Omake, because Itachi died again..._"

"_And I am sure he will be back, but for now this is **The End**..._"

---------- **Owari: The End** ----------_  
_

_**Note:** I want to tell everyone the reason updates have been few and far between as of late; I have a new laptop computer, but right now it doesn't have internet, so I have to copy down everything I type on it and retype it on our internet computer(it takes a while, so I've not been doing it). I'm terribly sorry, but anyway, that's the reason. I hope to have more Omakes up as soon as possible!  
**  
Disclaimer & Copyright Information:** I do not own Naruto (© Kishimoto Masashi); however, I am the author of this story. If you have comments or suggestions, leave a review or send me an e-mail. Doumo arigatou, for reading my writing!_


	16. Omake 16: Truth or Dare

_**Itachi Must Die!...** A series of short stories involving swift, nonsensical demises for Uchiha Itachi under completely ridiculous and even retarded circumstances. Occasional Sasuke+Sakura._

---------- **Omake 16: Truth or Dare** ----------

It was a rather average day for Itachi and Kisame -- well, as average as it usually is in this Omake series. The point is, they were just headed back from another easy mission when something happened as it always does. It wasn't something that commonly came about between this pair of dysfunctional partners, but it was a break of the ordinary. Kisame was the one who had initiated, and Itachi had no idea what to think of it.

"Hey, Itachi-chan, let's play a game," chirped Kisame out of the blue(blue, heh... oh, never mind). Up went Itachi's eyebrow.

"What?"

The shark faced one of the two grinned widely, baring his teeth. "Let's play _Truth or Dare_," he suggested, flashing the weasel boy a glance that made him freeze in his steps. Itachi's risen eyebrow twitched visibly, but he said nothing right away. He contemplated his answer for several long minutes before answering, his lips narrowing into a serious frown.

"Okay," his agreement was not expected, but Kisame didn't falter.

"You start, Itachi-chan!" Kisame said, pointing at his companion. Itachi seemed thoughtful very briefly before pending his true answer. He couldn't say something nonsensical or anything -- it had to be profound, after all it would be coming from him of all people. Finding it, he grinned inwardly but showed it not. First he had to pose the manditory question...

"Truth or Dare," he said and Kisame huffed.

"Truth," he answered and the glint in Itachi's eyes let him know that he saw him as being cowardly. Well, that was just fine; Kisame would have his own turn coming soon. Itachi's Sharingan eyes gleamed.

"Do you eat fish?"

It took every ounce of willpower Kisame had to restrain himself from breaking out into pure uncontrollable laughter, but he did. "Of course," confidently he replied. Of course sharks eat fish.

'Twas Kisame's turn. "Okay, Itachi-chan: Truth or Dare?"

Itachi knew he couldn't take the coward's way: his ego just wouldn't let him. Speaking of his ego, it grew a few more inches when he opened his mouth to speak.

"Dare," Itachi had, inevitably, decided to be brave. Kisame wasn't surprised -- the dark haired boy had a reputation to uphold(even though no one was around to hold it against him).

However, the dare that Kisame had already plotted and schemed to come up with was one that would truly test the weight of the Uchiha's overinflated arrogance. It was one that Kisame had been certain would take some thinking on his partner's behalf. After all, if he were to agree to it, he still would not get away with all of his dignity -- but Kisame would not be able to call him a scaredy weasel. It was time. The time had come. And all that crap. Yes, and the profound words were...

"I dare you to go appologize to your brother!" Kisame had said, knowing exactly what he wanted to say. A long silence stretch passed before Kisame dared say anything else, watching as Itachi lowered his head so that his bangs shaded his Sharingan eyes. "Well?" he pressed, as a dark cloud rolled over.

Itachi knew he couldn't say 'No'. It would ruin him! He frowned. This was the beginning of the end for one of only two remaining Uchiha. He parted his lips to speak...

"Fine."

-----

Sasuke hadn't exactly been expecting Itachi to just drop in out of nowhere during his training and ask to talk for a few minutes. Not only had it nearly sent him into a coma, but it had caused Orochimaru to panic a bit. After all, he'd received an anonymous call the night before warning him that Itachi and Sasuke's problem would be resolved today. Then he would be out of a job.

"Well?" Itachi asked, frown as evident as ever. Sasuke did nothing but follow, unable to say anything at the time. A few feet away from the pale faced man's humble abode, Itachi stopped and coughed into one hand.

"Ahem, I... well... I am here to..."

Sasuke was lost; he didn't know whether to attack the bastard this minute or actually wait to hear what he had to say. This was perturbing. Just in case, he placed a hand on the hilt of his Kusanagi...

"I... Uh, eh..."

"Just spit it out!" Kisame called out of nowhere.

"I'm sorry!"

There was a long, terribly long silence. Sasuke stared at Itachi blankly, not sure exactly what he'd just said. He briefly considered asking but decided not to. It would be better to leave it alone. No it wouldn't, he needed to attack! Yes, attack!

But... but...

This... could it be that this skepticism was exactly what Itachi wanted? That was it -- it was a ploy. It was to make him let down his guard. There was no way he would let it go at that! He couldn't let his brother win! He had to avenge the clan! He had to!

Taking a deep breath, Sasuke had just pulled out his sword and begun to lunge forward when Itachi was knocked out of his trajectory. This caused the one who had come to Itachi's rescue -- you guessed it, Kisame -- to get stabbed instead. As Sasuke drew Kusanagi out of the blue skinned dude's left chest and watched him fall to the ground, another surprise came from behind him.

Out of absolutely nowhere, a long haired ninja had popped up from behind a tree and from behind him one with twin buns hopped up similarly. Pitching a flare grenade, she watched as it went off a few feet away from Itachi, making him spin around to locate his attacker. He didn't even know what hit him when a firm palm strike planted itself against his chest and a couple of choice words echoed in his ears.

"Hakke Kusho!"

Itachi was knocked backwards into a conveniantly placed rock, where he slumped limply. Hyuuga Neji looked over at Sasuke, who just stared at his fallen brother blankly. "Sasuke?" Neji asked. Sasuke turned his gaze to Neji, blinking.

Then it hit him.

"It... can't be... Itachi is... I failed to avenge..." he stammered out, but never finished a sentence. Finally, his eyes shrunk back to normal size and he straightened his stance. He yawned, rolled his left shoulder and began walking.

"Aren't you going to draw out a long overdramatic Itachi death sequence where you complain that you didn't acheive your ever so precious vengeance that you have lived soley for all these years?" Neji questioned, and Sasuke raised an eyebrow.

"Um... no?"

"Good." Neji closed his eyes and reached toward Tenten; she took his hand and smiled pleasantly as they all began on that long road back to Konohagakure...

-----

Shugou stared at the telephone on the wall while Toramaru sipped a soda. The clock ticked and tocked, but no one said anything. Shugou began to tap his foot as he grabbed a deck of cards and began to shuffle. Toramaru just sat with his eyes closed, his arms folded, and his feet crossed up on the table never moving an inch.

Glancing up, Shugou breathed a sigh. How... could he do that? Patience was a virtue and he normally excercised it himself, but he just couldn't help it. This was... bland. He wasn't even training... and Hanako wasn't there.

Yep, that was the real problem.

"How nauseating," muttered Toramaru, realizing the problem at the same time. Shugou blinked and looked up. "Ever since you made that call to Orochimaru, we have been doing nothing but sitting here. This is beginning to test even _my_ boundless patience."

"Well, that Hyuuga kid asked us to call. Where is..."

"... Hanako? I knew you were going to say that name. What hold has that female got on you, man?" Toramaru inquired with an arched eyebrow.

Shugou averted his gaze. "What about you? That Sa... Sa... whatsername. You seem really obsessed with her," he mumbled, bringing Toramaru to turn his gaze back to that deck of playing cards. Snatching it, he shuffled them again before beginning to deal them.

"Let us play a quick game," said Toramaru. Shugou nodded once. Changing the subject -- he didn't want to talk about it. Yep, he had managed to hit a nerve somewhere.

"Quick it is, then."

Within a couple of seconds, it was over. The victor, however, would be shrouded in mystery just as a shinobi -- a shinobi card game!

"Geez, we haven't had any work since killing those Akatsuki guys in that other story," muttered Shugou again. Toramaru just shook his head.

"Fourth wall."

-----

Poking his head out of his base, Orochimaru stared off in the direction Sasuke had left minutes ago. Silence persisted for what seemed like an eternity as Orochimaru's expression became an unreadable one. One might think he was about to burst out crying or something...

That is, until he and Kabuto walked out wearing robes, flippers, and snorkels. With a grin, Orochimaru turned to Kabuto and nodded. With that, Kabuto slipped out of his robe to reveal that he was adorned in his itsy bitsy teeny weeny yellow polkadot bikini(From Oreo Must Die!™ by Armor King) and Orochimaru dropped his robe just to pose in his own hot pink one...

It was time to go swimming...

---------- **Owari: The End** ----------_  
_

_**Notes:** Um... none. Please don't hit me? Ah! There is something! If you haven't checked out my brother's(Armor King's) Omake series "Orochimaru Must Die!", please do so. There is a reference to it in this Omake, and there may be more in future Omakes. Okay, I'm finished with the Shameless Plugs_™_ now._

Disclaimer & Copyright Information: I do not own Naruto (© Kishimoto Masashi); however, I am the author of this story. If you have comments or suggestions, leave a review or send me an e-mail. Doumo arigatou, for reading my writing!

I do not own (© Kishimoto Masashi); however, I am the author of this story. If you have comments or suggestions, leave a review or send me an e-mail. Doumo arigatou, for reading my writing! 


	17. Omake 17: Of Revenge and Pudding

_**Itachi Must Die!...** A series of short stories involving swift, nonsensical demises for Uchiha Itachi under completely ridiculous and even retarded circumstances. Occasional Sasuke+Sakura._

---------- **Omake 17: Of Revenge and Pudding** ----------

"Dammit."

He was having trouble sleeping... again.

He'd had that same bitterly horrendous nightmare again, too. Damn Itachi -- the bastard was invading his dreams now! Regardless, Sasuke was up at a little after 4:00 AM in the morning, and he was wide awake. He never could get back to sleep after dreaming about his big brother. Glaring was he, staring straight at the wall and obviously pretending that it _was_ the aforementioned weasel boy. The paint seemed to be starting to melt as he glared ever fiercer, almost literally shooting razor edged daggers at the vile traitorous wall that had slain his clan... or whatever.

It was a way to pass time.

Biting his thumb in irritation, he continued to focus his eerily dangerous glare at the barrier that separated him from the rest of Orochimaru's ultra, top secret, very well hidden base. The stupid sickly looking snake was probably out cold, and Kabuto was... hell, who knew what that idiot was up to. Sasuke had considered eliminating him on several occasions, but something kept preventing him from doing so. Maybe it was that Kabuto was always being defended by Orochimaru or maybe the four eyed medic idiot had plot protection, but he wouldn't have either one for very much longer!

Yes, for very soon Sasuke would eliminate the troublesome snake sannin and leave this blasphemous place. Ah, and then he would find his _vengeance_.

There it was. That word.

Smirking in satisfaction, he leaned back on his bed. But while Sasuke allowed that thought to calm him a bit, somewhere else, in some other country, in some other universe, in some other time continuum, someone else sneezed rather violently...

-----

"_I am an avenger..._"

"_I understand now: I am an avenger._"

"_He is an avenger!_"

"_I am now an avenger!_"

_Avenger..._

_Vengeance..._

_Seeking Vengeance..._

_Avenge..._

_Avenge._

_Avenge!_

"Aaah! Enough already!" an unknown male voice shouted as an unseen figure gripped his head in despair. Apparently, the poor bloke had been hearing voices just like those for days now. It gave the guy a miserable headache. Another unknown form(obviously male) lay on the ground at his feet -- dead -- but nothing more than a bald head and a skirt were visible. That guy was unimportant in the plot of this omake though(the dead guy interrupted the story and raised up just barely one last time to say, "Fourth Wall," before falling dead again), so on with the plot...

Groaning in discomfort, the first mentioned person finally threw his arms into the air and shouted into the night. He had been having migraines off and on at least twenty two hours a day -- and they'd just been getting worse!

"THAT DOES IT!"

And now, he was going to fix it.

-----

Only but a few hours after he was last shown attacking the wallpaper with his glares, Sasuke stepped out of his own respective hole in the wall... er, room... to begin down the hallway. It was time to remove that dastardly creepy ninja from the picture altogether! He would make today _THE DAY_. Yes, everything was falling into place.

Passing Kabuto in the hall as the white haired guy went to get Orochimaru some medicine, Sasuke didn't have any intention to so much as glance at him. Ole Specs, on the other hand, had other ideas.

"You seem to be in a good mood today, Sasuke-kun," he said with a smile, noticing the pleased look on Sasuke's face. Was Sasuke really that willing to become Orochimaru's new container? Well that was a breath of fresh air! Why, he was going right now to let Orochimaru inhabit his body it seemed!

"Hn."

"Talkative as ever, though. Well, whatever, I have to hurry and get Orochimaru-sama's meds! I'm sure he'll be happy to see you, though!" Kabuto announced, before disappearing down the hall. With mild disinterest, Sasuke continued in his direction to find Orochimaru's hole -- er, room...

-----

Unfortunately... Sasuke wouldn't be killing Orochimaru today.

As soon as he had sliced open the door with Kusanagi and prepared to stab Oreo with his chakra sword, Sasuke's eyes met with something that caused him to stop. The pale Otonin lay on his bed, unmoving. He wasn't breathing either, so he was obviously dead. In one hand, he clasped a spoon and in the other he held...

... a small cup of pudding.

He had... choked to death on pudding -- either that or it was poisoned. But who would have poisoned Orochimaru's pudding? Sasuke raised an eyebrow and his jaw would have dropped but he was too cool for that, so he just shrugged and sheathed Kusanagi.

Stepping back out into the hall, he began to walk back in the same direction he had come from. Eventually, he noticed the slumped form of Kabuto against the wall. Orochimaru's meds were scattered out from his limp right hand, and the front of his shirt was covered in blood.

Hn. Peculiar.

Well, that made his goal easier. So, without further thought, Sasuke excused himself from Orochimaru's base to go find his brother and attain vengeance...

-----

Meanwhile...

Itachi and Kisame had been headed toward Konoha to try again to obtain the Kyuubi, when they had been stopped. No, it hadn't been Sasuke who had intercepted their path. It wasn't someone that either of them could have ever seen coming, nor was it someone that either of them knew. And that's where the mistake did lie.

Pausing, Itachi stared at the menacing being before him in confusion. Constantly burning flames were wrapped around a human skull that sat on this person's shoulders. He wore a black leather jacket, and he had just gotten off the seat of his motorcycle(what he'd used to intercept Itachi and Kisame's path).

"Um, Itachi-chan? Who is this guy?" asked Kisame, pointing a finger. Itachi shrugged, a dumbfounded look on his face. He didn't know -- and, somehow, he got the feeling that he didn't want to know.

"Are you Itachi?" the strapping young fellow asked, his voice deep, almost nonhuman, and coming off kind of like a roar that caught the weasel boy's attention. Itachi blinked once.

"Yes?"

"I have a bone to pick with you," the person said. Yes, the phrase had been chosen because he had a skull for a head. But that was highly irrelevant at the time.

To this, Itachi closed his eyes for but a second. That, he took as a challenge. On the other hand, his opponent seemed... dangerous. He couldn't quite put his finger on why...

And that's the reason he had decided to use it.

But, just as he was about to use his omnipotent Mangekyou, Itachi was stopped by this newcomer himself. "Look into my eyes," he had demanded. Itachi did as instructed -- as if it could possibly pose a problem, considering his own perfect Sharingan... Grabbing the collar of Itachi's Akatsuki cloak, the skull headed fellow locked eyes with the traitorous Uchiha.

And that was the end of Itachi.

For he had been hit with the Penance Stare. Ghost Rider released Itachi and watched as the dark haired youth regressed to nothing more than a puddle of nerves on the ground. Kisame immediately went to trying to shake his partner out of his stupor, but to no avail.

Heaving a sigh and hopping back on his Hell Cycle, Ghost Rider sped off... probably back to his own dimension. Maybe he would be able to get a little sleep now. He smiled contently as he flipped a beer out of nowhere and sipped it -- how bone could smile would probably forever remain a mystery...

-----

Sasuke was shocked and appalled. By the time he had finally made it to where Itachi was, he couldn't believe his eyes. Itachi was curled into a tight ball and Kisame was lying on the ground several feet away, sleeping. The brother he had once feared and hated so had been reduced to... this sniveling pile of jelly?

Frowning in disdain, Sasuke drew out Kusanagi and looked at it for a second before looking back at Itachi. Kneeling down in front of him, he waved a hand in front of the elder Uchiha's face...

Nothing.

With one eyebrow raised, Sasuke very easily shoved Kusanagi through Itachi's chest. Itachi's head lolled over and he stopped shaking finally; drawing Kusanagi back out, Sasuke watched as Itachi slumped over onto the ground.

Wow.

Sasuke actually felt kind of bad about killing Itachi while he was in such a condition... Nah! He didn't care. Vengeance had been achieved, so he was going home!

With a shrug, he turned to wander toward Konohagakure.

A short time later...

Kisame popped up like a daisy, holding his head. He'd had a nightmare! Looking around to locate his precious comrade, Kisame's eyes widened into saucers when he found Itachi slumped over. Then, he started to get up as he found himself panicking...

Right before he fell over dead.

Neji knelt long enough to pull his kunai back out of Kisame's head before sticking it back into his ningu pouch. It had been nonsensical for him to appear there out of nowhere... but someone had to kill Kisame, right? No one else seemed to be around... and it just so happened that he was passing by.

Stuffing his hands in his pockets, Neji decided to head back home in quiet... He would let the author figure it out.

-----

"Why?"

Shugou stared at Toramaru expectantly, bringing the other shinobi to raise an eyebrow finally.

"What? Is something wrong?"

Folding his arms, the braid wearing one of the two frowned. "Why did I have to take the pudding to Oreo? You got to kill Specs -- that doesn't seem completely fair to me..."

Toramaru closed his eyes in preparation to say something prophetic and shadow-y again... "The shadow strikes... Any fragments of light remaining in his wake are procured by the succeeding shadow that then takes his place as the ninja..." he said.

Shugou raised an eyebrow.

"Um, what?"

He hadn't even been able to figure that one out.

A sigh left Toramaru's masked lips.

"It means I won the game of Jankenpon, so therefore I got to kill Kabuto. That is all," he informed, "You were unfortunate this time. But, perhaps next time you will be the victor--"

"I don't remember you being this talkative."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"Indeed."

And so, they continued to play Shougi in silence.

---------- **Owari: The End** ----------_  
_

_**Note:** I've made a habit out of throwing Shugou and Toramaru in these Omakes for no good reason, haven't I? Sorry about that. They're just so fun to write about! _

**Credit:** Thanks to Armor King for the suggestion of using Ghost Rider to kill off Itachi! The whole spirit of vengeance thing just kind of clicked, and I had to write this one. Thanks for the silly idea!

**Disclaimer & Copyright Information: **I do not own Naruto (© Kishimoto Masashi); however, I am the author of this story. If you have comments or suggestions, leave a review or send me an e-mail. Doumo arigatou, for reading my writing!


	18. Omake 18: You've Got The Touch

_**Itachi Must Die!...**__ A series of short stories involving swift, nonsensical demises for Uchiha Itachi under completely ridiculous and even retarded circumstances. Occasional Sasuke+Sakura._

---------- **Omake 18: You've Got "The Touch"** ----------

Once again, Itachi was confronted by an assembly of many Konoha shinobi. The staredown had ensued as soon as Itachi had opened his eyes -- well, that was the entirety of the majority of his battles, anyway. But, whichever way, Kakashi stood several feet away and had just finished preparing to use his trump card.

Glancing back, Sasuke raised a puzzled eyebrow as Kisame took a nervous step away. What would happen? Everyone seemed to be wondering that very thing...

But they wouldn't have to wonder for very long.

Within the blink of an eye, the white haired Jounin flashed his very own Kakashi Version Mangekyou. And away, Itachi went. Then Kisame soon after. Momentary silence grasped the crowd of ninjas, but no one said anything at first.

Kakashi nearly collapsed, but Gai ran out of nowhere to keep him up, blathering on about self-imposed rules and the like. The confrontation with the two Akatsuki members had been brutal, but the traitorous weasel of an Uchiha was gone from their lives forever -- as was his blue skinned companion. Sasuke just stared in silence at the area of ground his brother once stood...

He couldn't help but feel that it wasn't over.

-----

Our friendly neighborhood group of metal car-like shapeshifters were walking along a conveniant path in the desert for no apparent reason. A spark of pretty pink color flashed down on the ground, but unfortunately it was not foreseen by the Transformers.

Optimus Prime stopped all of a sudden, causing his transforming buddies to stop as well. All robotic eyes turned to the leader of Autobots, who glanced down where he had stepped.

"What is it, Optimus?" Ultra Magnus asked abruptly.

"I... think I stepped in something," answered the transformed alien truck from outerspace. Another greatly resembling a dinosaur -- a tyrannosaurus rex, no less -- looked down puzzled.

"Me Grimlock think you Optimus stepped in wild animal feces."

Optimus coughed rather electronically before continuing to walk. "Yes, well..."

Ultra Magnus rubbed his metal chin. "Perhaps it was a weasel..."

-----

Somewhere else...

Kisame jolted up with a start, before screaming out of the blue, "ITACHI-CHAAAAAN! WHEEERRRREEEE AAAAARE YOOOOOUUUUUU!?"

Splat.

Megatron didn't even bother glancing down.

"Bah, more roadkill. Where _does_ it keep crawling up from?"

That had been the third squishy thing he'd stepped on today. There was no point in dwelling on it -- he had to get back to his plans for asking the Autobots if they wanted to come over and watch the show about the stupid orange clad ninja kid and his much cooler best friend... or something, equally obtruse and insane.

-----

Back in Naruto land...

Sasuke's eyebrow twitched. Okay, now it was over. How he knew that, he wasn't certain. With a satisfied smirk and a mental utterance of _Hn. Whatever_, he was off to Konoha to catch up on some sleep.

---------- **Owari: The End** ----------_  
_

_**Note:**__ And then there was another random Omake. I hope these aren't getting __**too**__ deranged... Not a very good ending... bah, whatever. Feedback is appreciated! _

_**Credit:**__ Thanks to Armor King once again for inspiring the idea of using the Transformers! Thanks to Sprite(Puppy444219) for actually suggesting that I use it! _

**Disclaimer & Copyright Information:**_ I do not own __Naruto__ (© Kishimoto Masashi); however, I am the author of this story. If you have comments or suggestions, leave a review or send me an e-mail. Doumo arigatou, for reading my writing!_


	19. Omake 19: Electrical Storm

_**Itachi Must Die!...**__ A series of short stories involving swift, nonsensical demises for Uchiha Itachi under completely ridiculous and even retarded circumstances. Occasional Sasuke+Sakura._

---------- **Omake 19: Electrical Storm** ----------

Itachi felt a jolt of dread the instant the lights died. Darkness soon overtook the Akatsuki's super, ultra, obviously well hidden top secret base making pairs of eyes look at each other in confusion. The thunder outside roared but flashes of lightning couldn't be seen -- for no windows were present on the cave. It was storming outside, and the deadly disastrous weather had taken their electricity. In doing so, it had claimed their very source of inspiration for their master plans...

Their television.

There was only one thing left to do.

Akatsuki Leader-sama looked around at his brethren. "One of you must go up on the roof and get the electricity back on. The antenna is probably down," he observed. The others all exchanged glances while Itachi just sat quietly, thinking about his kid brother as well as his own mysterious goal...

Deidara frowned. "We draw straws, hmmm."

Tobi tilted his head. "Does Tobi have to take a straw?"

Kisame laughed. "Everyone has to take one!" he said, watching as Zetsu plucked several straws out of nowhere. Checking them to make sure they were of varying lengths, he held them out, concealed in his leaves -- er, hand.

"Itachi-san, you have to draw one too!" Kisame said, indicating Zetsu's hand. With a half hearted sigh, Itachi wandered over and readied his hand beside the others. All at once, the Akatsuki guys (sans Leader-sama) pulled out a straw. Everyone began scanning the straws immediately...

Itachi frowned as sweat beaded on his forehead.

He had pulled the shortest one.

"Dang it," he muttered, before pitching the straw down and walking quietly out the door. Everyone exchanged glances before focusing their eyes eagerly on the television. The only one who still seemed concerned was Itachi's partner Kisame, who frowned before also looking at the TV.

"Itachi-san forgot his umbrella..."

-----

Up on the roof a minute later...

Itachi scowled as he immediately noticed the problem. The antenna was broken, apparently having been struck by lightning. Of course it had. That was just too inconvenient. Itachi growled as he walked over to the stick thingy; he had been very frustrated about everything lately -- this just made everything worse. He was already soaked and freezing; how could he have gotten suckered into this?

It was down, and he had no way to put it back up. Feeling angrier, he grabbed it. Seeing no other way, he proceeded to hold the stupid thing up. This would all be over soon, this would all be over soon...

And indeed it would. But not in the way he thought.

Upon hearing the thunder grow ever louder around him, Itachi glanced up in curiosity...

-----

Inside, a few cheers were heard from the Akatsuki members as the electricity magically came back on -- how the hell an antenna could control the electricity was above anyone's IQ to figure out -- or maybe below. Regardless, when Itachi showed no signs of coming back inside, Kisame started toward the door to go check on him.

Akatsuki Leader-sama frowned. The electricity was back on but the channel reception was gone. With a shrug of his invisible shoulders, the mysterious ninja grabbed the remote and pointed at his DVD rack. Deidara collected the one indicated and stuck it in. Tobi laughed excitedly when he realized that it was his favorite. Picture soon flooded the screen and familiar music began to play...

The Looney Toons.

No one had ever figured out why Itachi had always winced when the coyote would shove an anvil off at the stupid bird...

-----

It had struck without warning, and those inside had never seen a thing; they heard the crash of the thunder, but they couldn't see the flash... and most importantly, Itachi had never seen it coming.

Kisame climbed up on the roof of the cave to find the smoldering pile of ashes that once had been his beloved partner. "ITACHI-CHAAAN!" he yelled and made the mistake of beginning to run toward him...

Slip.

Trip.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!"

Splat.

-----

They had heard the thunder, and they had heard what sounded like Kisame scream Itachi's name...

But they ignored it just the same.

"Hey, Tobi can't hear the show! Turn it up!" Tobi said, pointing childishly at the screen as the anvil descended toward the funky looking chicken.

Deidara smiled and reached to turn it up. "No prob, hmmm..."

"AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!"

_**CRASH**_, _**THUD**_, _**POW**_, _**BANG**_!!

Tobi smiled contently. "That's much better!" he announced as the coyote fell with the anvil and both crashed into the ground. Akatsuki Leader-sama and Zetsu exchanged strange glances before continuing to watch the TV...

That hadn't been the television show.

-----

Walking away from the Akatsuki base, two faces (one masked, one with two stripes on either of his cheeks) held rather bored expressions.

Shugou frowned as he narrowed his amethyst eyes slightly.

"Okay, why?"

Toramaru raised an eyebrow.

"What?"

Shugou folded his arms, but didn't stop walking. Honestly, he was getting tired of venturing into this dimension to help kill the same guys over and over. However, he decided to continue speaking anyway. "I won the game of shougi, but--"

"After I used the Genjutsu to make everyone think Itachi had pulled the shortest straw, I formulated the plan and deduced that Itachi would not know the difference between an antenna and a power pole. You were given the task of cutting the electricity to make Itachi grab the antenna, which I cut in twain. He was struck by lightning while holding it up; afterwards, you restored the electricity. You were just as involved as I in the assassination of our targets." Toramaru explained, talking a hell of a lot more than he usually did.

Shugou just closed his eyes and breathed a sigh. "I wasn't talking about them -- I was talking about the others."

"But you are the one who killed Oreo both times. I killed Specs. Oreo is currently the most well renowned villain of the Naruto universe. Therefore, you defeated the more formidable opponent." Toramaru said, once again talking more than usual.

"More formidable? Oreo was sickly and bedridden. Specs was at full health. How do you get that Oreo was the more formidable opponent? Besides, I killed him with _pudding_..."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"Indeed."

---------- **Owari: The End** ----------_  
_

_**Note:**__ Another pointless ending and more pointless cameos from Shugou and Toramaru. I hope you guys aren't getting too tired of seeing them... Feedback is appreciated; by the way, I haven't used several of the suggestions because ideas for them haven't come to me yet. Eventually, I hope to get around to most of them before this Omake series ends. I'll just have to write them as I think of them. _

**Disclaimer & Copyright Information:**_ I do not own __Naruto__ (© Kishimoto Masashi); however, I am the author of this story. If you have comments or suggestions, leave a review or send me an e-mail. Doumo arigatou, for reading my writing!_


	20. Omake 20: Intent To Kill

_**Itachi Must Die!...**__ A series of short stories involving swift, nonsensical demises for Uchiha Itachi under completely ridiculous and even retarded circumstances. Occasional Sasuke+Sakura._

---------- **Omake 20: Intent To Kill** ----------

Once again, Uchiha Itachi was facing off with his mighty determined younger brother... For the sake of saving time and effort on the author's part, suffice it to say that the stand-off was exactly like all of the other stand-offs... There was a lot of staring and standing.

Sasuke glared daggers through Itachi's head as Itachi stared back at him in what looked like mild disinterest cloaking a thin, very thin curtain of dread. He could not shake the feeling that something was horribly, terribly wrong this time.

Something was wrong every time.

Frowning a bit in distaste for the situation, Itachi wanted nothing more than to wrap up the little encounter quickly and easily. Sasuke reached back and grabbed the hilt of Kusanagi. Itachi drew a kunai quietly from his shuriken holster. Kisame scratched his head in earnest confusion.

The air was thick with malice. Sasuke drew in a breath as he focused his hatred and thoughts of vengeance all on the one whom he sought to kill -- every ounce of killing intention he had suppressed was all focused on but one man. His brother. An excellent Uchiha genius: Uchiha Itachi.

Harder Sasuke stared, but still he moved not. His eyebrows knitted together, but he did not allow his pent-up anger to overtake him. He endured and remained calm. This was the moment in time he had long since been waiting for.

And wait he did.

The silence drew out longer and longer, like a pencil being sharpened in reverse as its length grew enormously. The wind blew, the leaves ruffled, Kisame sneezed uncomfortably, and Sakura, Kakashi, and Naruto stood waiting in the background as well(they had appeared more than an hour earlier, but were surprised that nothing had happened yet; thus, Kakashi had resumed where he had left off in Icha Icha Tactics). While Itachi and Sasuke stared at each other, Suigetsu's nerves finally began to kick in as he and Juugo lay around already defeated by the one and only Hoshigaki Kisame(it had to be done). Meanwhile, Karin, who had been bitch-slapped to death by Sakura(damn, that felt good), lay slumped against a tree with very rosy colored hand imprints on her cheeks.

Needless to say, it was a long, long, very long day.

And an even longer hour.

Sasuke glared fiercer still and a bead of sweat finally appeared on Itachi's forehead. What _were_ they waiting for? No one really knew -- including the two of them. Itachi began to feel a bit more nervous. Waves of killing intention were radiating from his brother like a sparkling energy aura; it was almost visibly whipping around him as though it might strike Itachi at any given moment...

It was terrifying.

Itachi swallowed. The air seemed to grow thicker as he suddenly felt as if he was burning up. He frowned deeply then, tightening his hold on his small but efficient ningu. And that's when it happened: Sasuke took a single, calculating step forward.

And Itachi took one step back.

The killing intention seemed to be growing like a large force field that threatened to consume the weasel named one. He frowned deeper as Sasuke approached closer. He could not run! He was not afraid! He was Uchiha Itachi!

And an imbecile Uchiha Itachi was.

He began to feel more apprehensive as his hand shook slightly. His head felt like it was growning in size, filled with what seemed to be hot air that threatened to literally lift him off of his feet if he were not careful.

The anxiety was clawing, scratching its way out. Itachi's head began to roar with a very severe headache. Suddenly he could hear nothing but loud pounding. Still, Sasuke just stared. Itachi thought he might go mad. This was impossible -- no one was even speaking. Or... perhaps that's what Sasuke was waiting on.

He would not fall prey to such deception!

The headache grew worse and worse, and the pounding ever louder.

Itachi gritted his teeth. His head felt like it would pop right off his shoulders and he would fall appart like a broken potato chip...

A loud thud echoed in the small forested area and all eyes were drawn to what would be a battle field(if there were only a battle). There Itachi lay on the ground, both hands clasping his chest.

Sasuke blinked once.

Sakura smiled slowly.

Naruto scratched his head.

Kisame started over to check on Itachi.

And Kakashi continued to read Icha Icha Tactics...

Itachi's eyes were comically exed out and his tongue was hanging out one side of his mouth -- yep, he was definitely dead. All the killing intention that had previously coated the area thickly like icing on a cake began to be scraped away as Kisame checked for a pulse... but found none.

The blue shark dude frowned deeply and was about to start blathering on about avenging his precious partner, but he did not receive the chance... for he had been struck from behind by a very well placed kunai that imbedded itself in the back of his skull.

Everyone turned abruptly to see Hyuuga Neji standing with his back to a tree. His hands were in his pockets and his eyes were carefully closed. He had been there, but it was impossible for him to have thrown it... His hands were in his pockets!

Tenten smiled and straightened her posture as she flashed a peace sign. "Bull's eye!" she stated, and several ninja who were present abruptly face-faulted.

A strange, strange ending to perhaps the silliest and least humorous omake that had ever been written...

Or was it?

-----

"Come on! Come on! Please, please, please! Pleeeeeeaaaaaase?"

Hanako extended her bottom lip as she tugged on Shugou's arm. He reached up and pushed up his shades to glance at her. Magically, the image zoomed out to reveal the two of them, Toramaru, and Saiko on a beach facing the lovely sea(girls and guys complete with bikinis and swim trunks, respectively). All but Hanako were laying in beach chairs. She was, of course, standing by Shugou and trying to get his attention.

Toramaru raised his own shades(which looked lovely with his mask, might I add). Blinking once, he could not resist(because I said he couldn't) and asked the question...

"Why are we here again?"

Shugou grabbed his umbrella drink and sipped it through the swirly straw. "Because we're on vacation."

Toramaru reached for his own umbrella drink. "Indeed."

Hanako frowned. "Shu.gou.-kun!" she said again, tugging on his arm rather violently. He breathed a low sigh as he pushed his shades back on and grabbed the surfboard laying nearby.

Vacation indeed.

---------- **Owari: The End** ----------_  
_

_**Note:**__ Yes yes, I know. It was the most pathetic one yet. Bare with me! I have a massively severe case of writer's block(plus I've not come up with many good ideas lately ;;)! I'll try to make the next omake better... or funnier, at least. __****_

Disclaimer & Copyright Information:_ I do not own __Naruto__ (© Kishimoto Masashi); however, I am the author of this story. If you have comments or suggestions, leave a review or send me an e-mail. Doumo arigatou, for reading my writing!_


	21. Omake 21: Nothing Can Describe It

_**Itachi Must Die!...**__ A series of short stories involving swift, nonsensical demises for Uchiha Itachi under completely ridiculous and even retarded circumstances. Occasional Sasuke+Sakura._

---------- **Itachi Must Die!: Editorial** ----------

Just as the curtain was about to rise to reveal the stage for the twenty-first Omake, a lone figure took the darkened stage. Everyone in the audience looked on in confusion --there had not been an Editorial for Omake 20, so they had all assumed that the protests had given up already. Alas, it was not to be that simple. Why oh why could it never be simple?

But this time, the figure that had taken the stage was _not_ Kisame.

Instead, this man had a pair of spiraling eyes and his lips were twisted into a frown. Other than that, he looked a bit insulted by the angry boos that were coming ever louder from the crowd. Soon enough, another figure appeared on the stage next to him --this one being the one and only female Akatsuki member. Konan coughed into one hand.

"Pein is here to protest the making of these Omakes," she said. Pein said nothing. A collective sweatdrop was the reaction given by the audience members. The woman then cast a haughty glance out at everyone. "For he thinks that they are pointless and a waste of good time. Something so silly and redundant should not exist," she continued, sparing another look at Pein.

"And he also believes that having Itachi die in such unconventional ways is ridiculous," she added. Pein nodded once affirmatively... "However, he is also upset with everyone's apparent notion that Itachi is some sort of god, when Pein is a true god," she added. People exchanged confused glances as Pein cracked his lips into a smile, and Konan indicated his shining godlike teeth. "For you see, Pein is perfect. Even his teeth shine with HOLY light!"

Annoyed groans and eyes rolling back were the only reactions given by the audience members. In the back row, some had already commenced catching up on lost sleep...

Konan frowned again, before continuing with the protests. "We are angry with all of you. Why is Itachi so well renowned? And at the same time, why does Hanako-chan keep killing him with such bizarre means? Also--"

"IIIIIIIII AAAAAAM LAAAAAATE!" a loud, mysteriously blue voice screamed, the sound echoing through the theatre. Everyone's eyes jerked back toward the tall door as it was thrown open melodramatically and light spilled into the dark room from it.

It was then that Kisame came swinging in like Tarzan, dragging Bill and Bob behind him. All three dropped off on the stage, amazingly falling right into Pein and Konan, causing them to collapse to the side. Kisame grabbed the microphone.

"I'm here to... protest the making of these Omakes..." Kisame gasped breathless into the mic. Pein frowned dangerously and Konan narrowed her eyes. Kisame glanced at them, only now realizing who they were. He leaned away from the microphone, with a panicked look. "Psst. My apologies, Leader-sama and woman!" he said apologetically, before turning back to the readers.

Bill stepped forward and shoved a fist into the air. "This Omake series is rubbish, and it is time for it to end!" he began, looking out menacingly at the crowd. "We all know that Itachi-san is far too omnipotent to be defeated in the ways Hanako-chan writes! The time has come to lay down her keyboard and stop this nonsense, the time has come for liberation, for justice! In the name of all tasteful humor --this MUST BE STOPPED!" he preached way overdramatically, before commencing to wait for Bob to back him up.

Bob rubbed his head. "My name is Bob and I'm here 'cause Bill made me," he stated, before being abruptly elbowed in the side and scolded for saying the exact same thing he had before. Bob raised his left index finger into the air. "I mean, I am here to protest this, uh..." Bill rolled his eyes and leaned in to quickly whisper the title into Bob's ear, "Itachi Must Die!, yup."

In the front of the audience, Hanako-chan sat with a thoughtful frown. "Um, I've been thinking... Why does Kisame care so much that I like to kill Itachi off in funny ways? I mean, at least they are funny. I... I try to keep my humor tasteful..." she said, extending her bottom lip in a pout as she poked her index fingers together.

"Dah--"

Shugou aimed a rather creepy glare at the blue dude as he and Toramaru simultaneously grabbed the hilts of Chimidoro and Zanmato respectively. Toramaru stood from his seat and drew his own katana. "The shadows shall consume you..." he said quietly as he angled his blade toward Kisame, causing the shark man to choke a bit.

"Eh, we'll get on with that consuming shadow bit in a few minutes. Right now, we're protesting Omakes. Right Bob and Bill?" said Kisame, before glancing around him to see that Bob and Bill had both split long before. Shark Buddy laughed a bit nervously. "Err..."

"Toramaru?" Shugou asked, sparing a glance at the other shinobi.

"Indeed."

"AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!" Kisame wailed as he took off out the door the way he had came. Shugou and Toramaru shrugged before slowly following him out. Meanwhile, Pein and Konan looked at each other before back out at the audience.

"Either way, good bye and good riddance," the woman said, before turning to excuse herself from the theatre --it had probably been a bad idea to show up in the first place. Pein frowned, before focusing his weird eyes back out at the crowd and opening his mouth to speak his first words in this absolutely redundant and uncalled for Editorial...

"God says: on with the show."

---------- **Omake 21: Nothing Can Describe It** ----------

Shugou breathed a sigh as he cast a bored glance at Toramaru and Saiko then focused his gaze on Hanako. It was such a shame that their vacation had to end so soon --Hanako had received a call and it was already time for their next job.

And nothing could describe the strange feeling that struck him next. He felt like something poetic. "Hey, Toramaru..." he started, drawing the ponytail wearing ninja's attention. Toramaru raised an eyebrow but they all kept walking. "About the mission..."

-----

Itachi and Kisame were walking through a forest.

A couple of familiar ninja dropped down behind them.

The glimmer of steel revealed a stain of red.

Itachi and Kisame were dead.

---------- **Owari: The End** ----------_  
_

_**Note:**__ Hell, that sucked and you don't even have to tell me. Still, I'm glad I finally got this out --maybe it'll keep everyone satisfied until I can write the next one! _

_**Note 2:**__ I forgot to include an Editorial on Omake 20, so the one at the beginning of this Omake is to make up for it. Thanks to the person who reminded me!___

Disclaimer & Copyright Information:_ I do not own __Naruto__ (© Kishimoto Masashi); however, I am the author of this story. If you have comments or suggestions, leave a review or send me an e-mail. Doumo arigatou, for reading my writing!_


	22. Omake 22: Christmas Edition I

_**Itachi Must Die!...**__ A series of short stories involving swift, nonsensical demises for Uchiha Itachi under completely ridiculous and even retarded circumstances. Occasional Sasuke+Sakura._

---------- **Omake 22: Christmas Edition I** ----------  
---------- **Itachi Got Ran Over by a Reindeer!** ----------

"I swore to myself that I would never ask this question," muttered Uchiha Itachi dispassionately as his eyes twitched from one thing to another. He slowly closed them and shook his head. "But, for fear of losing my sanity, I know I must..."

Itachi frowned as he smacked the little furry white ball on the end of his pretty Christmas hat.

"Kisame... why?"

Itachi looked on as Kisame spared a look down the chimney. Kisame was dressed in a red and white Santa suit(complete with furry hat and black boots and gloves) and he had a bag full of something flung over his back.

And Itachi himself had never felt so ashamed.

"Easy, Itachi-chan! We're delivering gifts to everyone in Konohagakure!" Kisame announced merrily, before a maniacal gleam began shining bright in his eyes. "... Gifts of the 'laced with explosive powder' type, that is... so everyone will go BOOM!... Strict orders from Leader-sama, ya know," he added. Itachi couldn't really describe it, but he had a really, really bad feeling.

"Y--"

"I'll be back in a jiffy!" Kisame declared before using the Chimney no Jutsu to drop down into the rather large house's chimney. Itachi's frown just deepened slightly as he cast a nervous look in either direction --he didn't like this.

And that's when Itachi heard the sound of something flying through the air behind him. As he turned slowly around, the sight of a small sleigh pulled by eight reindeer impending upon his exact location quickly caught his full attention. Itachi blinked twice.

"Wow, they're real..."

Splat.

Itachi's Sharingan eyes exed out comically as thirty-two hooves walked over his downed carcass before finally stopping, all eight animals glancing back in earnest confusion. The "Santa" sitting on the sleigh didn't seem the least bit surprised however.

"Ho, ho, ho..." Uchiha Sasuke muttered as he hopped out of the absolutely silly looking sleigh and pitched his red hat down next to Itachi.

"Merry Christmas."

-----

Humming to himself, Kisame was oblivious to the goings on up on the roof as he nestled several gifts safely under the Christmas tree. As soon as he had finished and stood back up to dust his hands together proudly, he felt a light tapping on his left shoulder.

"Huh?"

Kisame slowly turned his head to catch sight of a certain Hyuuga Neji(wearing a robe and a pair of furry slippers, mind you). Kisame raised an eyebrow, Neji smirked. Less than a second later, the pearl eyed teen landed a perfectly placed upward palm strike against the blue guy's chin, sending a wave of chakra up into Kisame's brain and effectively killing him.

Neji yawned as he lowered his eyes to the gifts that had been planted under the tree. Using his Byakugan to see through the prettily colored paper, he raised his right hand and whistled.

In the room came running a particular bun haired girl who immediately dropped down into a kneel and promptly defused the bombs. She then looked at Neji, shot a thumb up in his direction, and took off back out the door.

Yes, life was great.

On his way out of the room, Neji flipped the light that Kisame had turned on back off before stuffing his hands in his pockets, leisurely.

Up on the roof, he could have sworn he heard something like hooves prancing about, but he disregarded it.

That was the last time he was ever drinking any eggnog.

---------- **Owari: The End** ----------_  
_

_**Note:**__ Stupid? Yes, stupid. Stay tuned for the next Itachi Must Die!: Christmas Edition! Thank you for reading my nonsense.___

Disclaimer & Copyright Information:_ I do not own __Naruto__ (© Kishimoto Masashi); however, I am the author of this story. If you have comments or suggestions, leave a review or send me an e-mail. Doumo arigatou, for reading my writing!_


	23. Omake 23: Christmas Edition II

_**Itachi Must Die!...**__ A series of short stories involving swift, nonsensical demises for Uchiha Itachi under completely ridiculous and even retarded circumstances. Occasional Sasuke+Sakura._

---------- **Omake 23: Christmas Edition II** ----------  
---------- **Happy Holidays at The Akatsuki HQ!** ----------

"Are the presents almost ready?" Sasuke asked with a frown. "This stupid suit is itchy," he added, indicating the red Santa suit he was wearing.

Suigetsu, Karin, and Juugo --all dressed in matching green helper outfits-- collected in front of Sasuke. Juugo held up the shiny red sack, seemingly filled with gifts. Sasuke lowered his eyes seriously to the bag of presents.

"Finally... I shall have my revenge!" he announced, before throwing the bag over his shoulder and turning to the door melodramatically. Suigetsu, Karin, and Juugo all collectively saluted.

It would be a Merry Christmas indeed.

-----

"Where did these gifts come from?"

Pein had voiced the question that every living member of the Akatsuki seemed to be thinking. They had wandered into the top-secret-cave-that-no-one-knew-about-but-them and were uber surprised to find a pile of gifts wrapped neatly and sitting beside a fully decorated Christmas tree.

Pein looked at Kisame. "Did you?"

"No," answered Kisame. Pein looked at Zetsu.

"Was it you?"

"No way," answered Zetsu. Pein looked at Konan.

"What about you?"

"Huh? No, of course not," answered Konan. Pein rolled his eyes and looked at Itachi.

"Was it you?"

"What?" answered Itachi with a raised eyebrow.

Then that only left...

"TOBI!" yelled Pein. The aformentioned-previously-thought-dead ninja came running into the room, throwing up his hand to salute Pein. Pein smacked his hand back down.

"Tobi. We don't salute. We're Akatsuki. Akatsuki don't salute. Us plus salute equals NO," he muttered, before clearing his throat. "Are you responsible for these gifts?" he then asked, indicating the festivities. Tobi seemed thoughtful for a second.

"Nuh uh, but I know who is!" he said. Pein looked at him in interest.

"Who?"

Tobi smiled happily.

"Santa Claus, of course!"

Everyone face faulted but Kisame.

Kisame looked at the others in confusion, blinking his eyes.

"What?"

Pein struggled to pull himself back up. "Santa Claus doesn't exist anymore than... than the Easter Bunny!" he pointed out. Kisame and Tobi simultaneously blinked.

"But isn't the Easter Bunny real?" they then asked in unison.

Pein choked. "They... they don't exist anymore than... than... Chuck Norris!" he spat out finally.

Kisame's and Tobi's eyes simultaneously grew watery as they looked at each other. "Santa isn't real!" they yelled as though it were a revelation. Itachi propped his head up with his left arm as he continued to lay on the floor.

"Yeah, well, anyway..."

Pein rubbed his chin in thought. "Well, there is only one thing left to do," he announced, drawing everyones' collective attention. They all turned to look at him.

Expression dead serious, Pein frowned. "We must... open them."

Collective gasps came from the rest of them as they turned their eyes toward the pile of innocent looking presents. Pein bravely stepped toward them as the others stared at the festive gifts. Lifting up the first package, Pein read the name to himself before pitching it to Zetsu(who began to shake it as if trying to determine its contents). He then grabbed the next one, and then the next one until each of the black cloaked figures held a gift.

"Ready." Pein started as he positioned himself to open his own present. "Set." he added, and everyone else prepared themselves as well.

"Go!"

And they all commenced tearing open the pretty paper, tossing it aside uselessly when they were done. All of them stared down into the boxes in surprise as they all realized in unison...

"It's empty!" they all said, except Pein who's gift had been bigger than the rest. Out of the box he pulled a beautifully decorated, pre-sliced, large, three layer cake with candy canes draped across it and enough pieces for everyone(all Peins included!). Atop it, a tiny note lay.

Curiously, the note read: "This cake has not been poisoned!".

Pein raised an eyebrow as he sat the cake down. With a tiny shrug, Zetsu reached to take a piece.

"Zetsu?" Pein questioned. Zetsu blinked.

"What? It said it wasn't poisoned, so we might as well eat it," he suggested. Pein seemed to think about that for a minute --that was true. It had said it wasn't.

So with a small shrug of his own, Pein also took a piece. Soon enough, every member of the Akatsuki had taken a slice of the cake and began to eat in silence.

It was about five minutes after everyone had finished eating before anyone noticed anything strange. Tobi laughed happily before his eyes exed out comically and he fell over, unmoving. Zetsu started to check on him, when the same befell him. Soon enough, all of them but Itachi and Pein had fallen. They exchanged a confused look.

"What's wrong with them?" asked Pein.

"I don't... know..." Itachi mumbled before hunching forward stiffly. Pein stood up and started over to check on his fellow Akatsuki members. However, in mid-stride, he suddenly stopped _dead_ in his tracks and fell over perfectly straight to land on the floor on his side, foot mysteriously twitching humorously.

It was only then that Sasuke happened in the door. Dropping his bag by the entrance, he raised a confused eyebrow when he noticed all of the dead Akatsuki members collected in a pile of pretty Christmas giftwrap.

"Huh. That's odd," he mumbled in disappointment before turning to leave the way he had came...

But who had killed the Akatsuki?

-----

"Um, Shugou-kun?" Hanako asked carefully as she touched her index fingers together in embarrassment. Shugou glanced at her, but kept walking.

He didn't care much for idle chatter, so he settled for a simple, "What?" in response.

Hanako smiled innocently. "What did you get me for Christmas?" she inquired. Shugou came to a very abrupt stop.

Christmas. Gifts. Dammit.

"Uh, I, er..."

Hanako tilted her head, still smiling happily. A few steps away, Toramaru shifted uncomfortably --he had heard their little exchange, a faint look of dread hiding behind his reddish gray eyes. He glanced slowly at Saiko as she walked along, oblivious to the world around her.

She was thinking.

But what was she thinking about?

Of course. He knew what it was!

Christmas, what else?

Toramaru glanced at Shugou, who glanced back at him.

They were screwed.

Oh well, at least they were on Christmas vacation so they didn't have to worry about killing anyone or anything...

But, wait.

If it hadn't been Shugou and Toramaru, who had slain the Akatsuki?

-----

Up in the sky, flying away from the Akatsuki HQ, was the vague image of a sleigh pulled along by eight tiny reindeer. As they disappeared into the clouds, the one driving the flying sleigh called out...

"Ho, ho, ho! Merry Christmas to all! And to all a Good Night!"

---------- **Owari: The End** ----------_  
_

_**Note:**__ Mwahahaha! Long live Santa! Yeah, anyway, I call it randomness.___

Disclaimer & Copyright Information:_ I do not own __Naruto__ (© Kishimoto Masashi); however, I am the author of this story. If you have comments or suggestions, leave a review or send me an e-mail. Doumo arigatou, for reading my writing!_


	24. Omake 24: Christmas Edition III

_**Itachi Must Die!...**__ A series of short stories involving swift, nonsensical demises for Uchiha Itachi under completely ridiculous and even retarded circumstances. Occasional Sasuke+Sakura._

---------- **Omake 24: Christmas Edition III** ----------  
---------- **And A Happy New Year! (AKA: The Lamest Omake)** ----------

There was snow falling in the Hinokuni, pretty lights strung all over the quaint little ninja village of Konohagakure. It was enough to make a person wonder why a village full of ninja would celebrate such a joyous holiday, but it wasn't that important.

That's right --it was Christmas.

And, being Christmas, a big holiday bash was being held in whatever the biggest building in town was. But that wasn't the kicker --no, there was something even crazier about it.

_Everyone_ was invited.

-----

Sasuke, Sakura, Neji, Tenten, Naruto, Hinata, Shikamaru, Ino, Lee, Chouji, Kiba, Shino, Gaara, Temari, Kankurou, Iruka, Kakashi, Kurenai, Anko, Asuma, Yamato, Sai, Shizune, Tsunade, Jiraiya, Orochimaru, Kabuto, Juugo, Suigetsu, Karin, Itachi, Kisame, Pein one through six, Konan, Tobi, Zetsu, Hidan, Kakuzu, Deidara, Sasori, Kimimaro, Tayuya, Kidoumaru, Jiroubo, Sakon, Ukon, Zabuza, Haku, Minato, Kushina, Shodai, Nidaime, Sandaime, Obito, Rin, and many, many more... were all gathered in the large room that was filled with Christmas decor, food, and music.

And they were all having a great time.

Though Itachi felt a little bit wary.

Amongst the throngs of ninja, six less familiar people weeved through the thick crowd --Shugou, Toramaru, Hanako, Saiko, and two newcomers unknown to readers of this omake series. The male, who had a very long silver ponytail, rolled his deep red eyes while continuing to walk.

"Fourth wall," he muttered, directed toward the above paragraph. The girl beside him --who had short, unevenly cut light pink hair and soft blue eyes-- looked up at him in confusion.

"Huh? Nobody said anything..." she murmured slowly with a cute blink of her eyes.

Karudo frowned. "It was the narration. Damn, I hate those," he replied, casting a glance at his cutesy companion: Sakuna. She touched her bottom lip with her right index finger.

Yes, Karudo and Sakuna were two more of the author's creations --as in, not characters from this universe.

"Ah, Karudo-san!" Sakuna stated, drawing a confused glance from her friend. The female original character smiled triumphantly. "I heard it that time, too!"

Anyway, Shugou and Toramaru had been assigned by someone(because I said so) to familiarize Karudo with the unfamiliar faces gathered around. Sakuna was there because Hanako and Saiko had invited her, and she didn't want Karudo to go without her.

"I--I would have been... too worried..." Sakuna said innocently, a small blush tickling her cheeks. Karudo used his hands to shield his ears, as if trying to block out all sound. _Stupid narrator, stupid author!_ he chanted mentally, ready to put a fist through something --he wasn't very particular as to what, so long as it wasn't Sakuna.

"There. That's Uchiha Itachi," mumbled Shugou in mild disinterest as he indicated the dark haired male standing apart from most of the crowd, the weasel following his shark faced companion with his Sharingan embued eyes. Karudo looked over at the indicated ninja, a slow smirk easing onto his face.

Finally.

"However you kill him is fine. Just don't screw up, or we won't get paid either," added Shugou, watching as Karudo departed from the small group to find an adequate method of eliminating the weasel man. Sakuna reached out after him, but Hanako patted her on the shoulder.

"It's okay. Trust me: he'll be back in a sec," she reassured the other girl with a small wink. Sakuna pouted slightly as she poked her index fingers together slowly.

Meanwhile, a pair of elves (complete with pointy ears) just wandered in. The female of the two tilted her head a bit and blinked her eyes once, a graceful smile on her face as she noticed three idiots dressed up in goofy green Christmas elf costumes.

"Ooh, Firus, look at that," whispered Reina with a tiny smile. Firus narrowed his eyes as his hands found their way to the hilts of his two double edged swords. Reina blinked and placed one of her hands on one of his to calm him down. "Now now, don't be reckless," she added, smilingly.

"If you say so," muttered the male elf as he turned his head to find a suitable distraction.

"As long as you understand. You can't go around killing people meaninglessly," she murmured, before noticing that Firus was staring off at something. She turned her own head in that direction, her eyes meeting absolutely nothing. She kept her gaze in the direction for a minute, trying to discern what had caught her companion's attention.

Meanwhile, Firus snuck over and brutally murdered Suigetsu, Karin, and Juugo before slipping back over behind Reina right as she turned her head back around to look at him. She blinked a few times, curious about that satisfied look on his face.

"Firus?"

She was about to look back over in the direction of the three people in costumes, when Firus took one of her hands to lead her onto the dance floor. She smiled contently and followed...

_(Insert lame copyright here, as Firus and Reina are two more Original characters created by me, the author. Woohoo!)_

And meanwhile, Karudo wasn't having much luck with Itachi. He had tried several different means with which to kill him without being noticed, but some blue guy kept screwing everything up. He was about to lose his temper when Toramaru stepped up behind him and 'hmfed' to get his attention. Karudo glanced back at the ninja with a black ponytail, quirking an eyebrow.

"What?"

"When all else fails... use the direct approach," his monotone voice stated, before turning to slowly walk back the way he had come since Saiko had asked him to dance. It was quite different for Toramaru --the guy always spoke in riddles and philosophical gibberish. Karudo shrugged his shoulders, sparing only a minute, before making his way straight toward Itachi.

He liked this way much better.

Approaching Itachi straight forward, he didn't slow down and quickly whipped out one of his ninjato before bringing it up and shoving it into Itachi's chest as he made it to him. Itachi coughed a couple of times, appalled that someone had used such a means to try and kill him.

"You meddlesome..." he started as Karudo pulled the weapon back out of his target's chest and swiped the air with it once (mysteriously not accidentally slashing anyone) before sheathing it neatly. As he headed back over to where the others gathered, Itachi slipped to his knees, but didn't give up yet.

"Kisame! Now!" he called. Kisame jumped up into the air and threw a flare grenade into the floor, sending out a spray of rainbow colored smoke. Most of the gathered ninja used their hands to shield their mouths and noses, while others were too stupid (i.e. Naruto). Karudo rolled his eyes and jerked out a shuriken to toss back at Itachi. Itachi dodged to one side, just out of its reach before bracing himself against one of the tables and aiming one of his own shuriken at Karudo, who dodged also.

As the smoke finished clearing, Kisame nor Toramaru and Saiko were anywhere to be seen. Shugou was sitting leisurely in a chair eating a jelly doughnut, and Sakuna had ran up behind Karudo. Many eyes in the room bulged when Itachi went flying face first into the floor, a happy Hanako standing behind him with her right hand extended as though she had just palm striked someone. She curled her lips into a proud smile before hopping over Itachi and prancing back over to where Shugou was.

There were many blinks, and a certain other Uchiha who'd been plotting to kill Itachi since the party's beginning stood in a corner, completely dumbfounded. Sakura was trying to get Sasuke's attention, but he was just spaced out. So much for his revenge...

-----

Outside, a certain shark man was quickly sent flying into a trashcan as Toramaru breathed a sigh, his bored expression hidden behind his mask. Saiko lifted her lips into another smile.

"Vacation again?"

"Yep."

-----

Meanwhile, Neji and Tenten sat at one of the tables, the former propping his chin up in his right palm. Tenten blinked her brown eyes at him in confusion.

"Neji? What's wrong, anyway?" she asked curiously.

Neji looked at her for just a second.

"Because I had hardly any role in this omake," he muttered in annoyance. Tenten seemed beyond puzzled by his willingness to say that. She sighed in defeat as she raised a white flag and waved it a bit.

"Fourth wall."

---------- **Owari: The End** ----------_  
_

_**Notes:**__ I know. It sucked and was anticlimactic. Kinda boring too. Oh well... Anyway, stay tuned next time for the Itachi Must Die! Omake series finale! _  
_**  
More Notes:**__ Karudo, Sakuna, Firus, and Reina are all original characters that I created and will all be appearing in my upcoming Original Fiction on FictionPress.___

Disclaimer & Copyright Information:_ I do not own __Naruto__ (© Kishimoto Masashi); however, I am the author of this story. If you have comments or suggestions, leave a review or send me an e-mail. Doumo arigatou, for reading my writing!_


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